Blink
by girlinterrupted22
Summary: Future fic. What starts as an ordinary day ends in a shooting that leaves many dead and relationships broken. How will they piece their lives back together in the wake of tragedy? Addex mostly, some Gizzie. Rated T for subject matter.
1. Another Ordinary Day

_You couldn't picture a more different group of best friends if you tried. All things considered, it was amazing that we got along at all. Izzie was tall and blonde, but even though her looks opened the world to her, she could still be unconfident and clingy. Meredith was Izzie's polar opposite in every possible way. She was a very independent woman, her darker edged looks helped her to move around in the crowd and get her work done without much notice. _

_My position was somewhere in the middle of my two greatest friends; a buffer of sorts. I filled the slot of the strong willed red head. I came off as independent, yet I needed my friends around me at times or I would crumble. _

_We were doctors. Day in and day out, we worked together in the same hospital. We formed somewhat of a pack. When they were younger, our children were even a part of it, playing in the hospital daycare center. _

_We were doctors. Being doctors, we all had the general hero complex that we could fix anything broken that came along. However, sometimes, that isn't the case. Sometimes, what is broken will always stay broken. And sometimes, the heroes are among the first to break._

_The day it happened started out just like any other day. After it was over, whispers could be caught, little snatches of conversation where people wished that they could have done it differently. The truth was, there absolutely nothing that we could have done, because none of us ever saw it coming._

_Sometimes, you don't dare to blink._

OoooooooooooooO

"Good morning, Dr. Montogomery," the barista chirped through the drive-thru speaker. "Your usual on this fine day?"

Quickly scanning over the menu, Addison responded, "Maybe something new. The pumpkin spice latte sounds interesting. I'll have one of those."

"That will be $4.22. You can pull around and we'll have it ready for you."

Addison's daughter, Lanie, rolled her eyes and stared out the window. "Don't get me anything," she muttered. "That's fine. It's not like I wanted anything anyway."

"You don't need caffeine," Addison told her as she pulled up to the window and handed off the credit card. "You're hyper enough already."

"Mom! I am so not a morning person! And who seriously pays for a four dollar coffee with a credit card anyway? I mean, come on, Mom."

"I don't believe in cash," she answered, taking the coffee the man was holding out the window. "If I had cash, I would spend it. I'm less likely to spend on a credit card."

Putting the cup down into the holder, Addison managed to slosh a little of the piping hot liquid onto my hand. "Ouch!" she yelled, fighting the urge to use stronger language. She pulled away from the drive-thru, sucking on her hand where the coffee had spilled.

Lanie eyed the coffee cup. "Can I at try some of yours?"

Addison waved her wounded hand at Lanie in dismissal as they drove towards the high school. "If you burn yourself, don't blame me."

Watching out of the corner of her eye, Addison saw Lanie take a careful sip. "Oh," she said, putting the cup back into the holder. "Interesting."

"See," Addison said, "I know you well enough to know that you aren't a coffee person, no matter how much you try to convince me."

"Whatever, Mom," Lanie replied with another eye roll.

The pair pulled up in front of the high school, the car blending in with dozens of other parent cars. "Do you have a ride home?" Addison asked. "Your father and I are both working late tonight, but one of us can take an hour off to get you if you need us to."

"Don't worry about it. I can get home. I'm a big girl." Slinging her backpack over one shoulder, she slipped out of the car and disappeared seamlessly into the crowd.

It was different for Addison. This was the first year she would get out of the car without a hug, or even so much as a goodbye. Apparently, fifteen was the age where they stopped wanting to admit that they came from parents. Fifteen was the age where every teenager began questing for independence.

Unable to see her daughter anymore, Addison pulled away from the curb and took a sip of her coffee. It was the beginning of another ordinary day.

OooooooooooooO

Checking her watch, Meredith pushed aside the morning paper and her cup of coffee and walked up the stairs. Her son's room was dark when she opened the door. Crossing the room, she yanked open the curtains to let some light into the room. Rich was curled up in a ball, the blankets wrapped tight around his body and pulled up almost over his head.

Meredith pulled the blankets off of Rich's head. "Rich, you're going to be late."

"Ugh…." he moaned, pulling the blankets back over his head.

Reaching up, Meredith yanked the covers down again, a little more roughly this time. "You have half an hour to go 'till first period starts, and I do not want you speeding, so you had best drag your butt out of bed right now."

He rolled over, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes with his fists. "When did morning come? It feels like I just went to sleep."

"How late were you up?" Meredith questioned, going over to the top dresser drawer and throwing some jeans at him.

"I don't know…twelve? One? I was doing SAT prep. My test is this weekend."

"Uh-huh," she said. "Get dressed."

"I was!" he exclaimed, gesturing over at the desk where all his prep books was strewn around wide open. "See?"

"Okay, okay," Meredith relented, throwing her hands up in the air. "So long as you get to school on time. I have to head to work."

"Always," Rich laughed. "Say hi to everyone at the hospital for me."

"Will do."

OooooooooooooO

Doug rearranged the items in his backpack a third time, trying to figure out how to make everything fit. The angry words of his mother and father drifted up to him from the kitchen downstairs.

"You're the one who's letting him get away with being ordinary!" George screamed. "For pities sake, Izzie, the boy hides in his room all day and you do nothing about it! Make him get out, make him join a club, make him do something, anything! We aren't such bad parents, our kid doesn't need to be like this, it's not…"

"We aren't bad parents," Izzie whispered, sitting down at the kitchen table with her morning coffee. "Doug is just…different. It's okay to be different."

"Not this different!" George roared. "Have you seen him lately? His hair is black, Izzie, black! And I ask him to dye it back, and what do I get? The door in my face! The door in my face, by my own son! I don't even know him anymore!"

Doug carefully folded up the letter he had written on torn out notebook paper at five am and put his mother's name on the front, tucking it into the computer keyboard.

"He knows what you think of him. Did you ever think that maybe that's part of the problem?" Izzie asked.

"What are you talking about?" George snapped.

"He knows you think he's a disappointment. He knows! I can't believe you think it has nothing to do with you! I can't believe you even think this way at all! You were different too, George, you of all people should understand!"

"I have to go work," George said, grabbing his bag from under the kitchen table. "We can talk about this later."

"That's it, George," Izzie taunted. "Run away. Run away, again. It's what you do best."

Finally satisfied with the arrangement and selection of his backpack, Doug slung it over his shoulder. As he started down the stairs, he heard the backdoor slam. Izzie sat in the kitchen, her fingers still clutched around her cup of coffee. Opening the cupboard door silently, Doug grabbed a pop tart without speaking.

"How much did you hear?" Izzie asked.

"It's okay, Mom," he said, crossing the kitchen to give her a quick hug. "I have to get to school."

"Sit for a minute?" Izzie pleaded.

He carefully set down his backpack by the door before pulling out the kitchen chair next to his mother. "A minute. Seriously, I have to get to school."

Izzie put down her cup of coffee and turned slightly so that she was eye to eye with Doug. "Doug?"

"Yeah?"

"What your father said…"

"Mom, it's okay. Don't worry about it." Doug took a quick bite of his pop tart, shoving the rest into his jacket pocket.

"You aren't a disappointment," she insisted.

"I know, Mom, I know. Like I said, it's all good." He looked at the digital clock above the kitchen table. "I have to go," he said, getting up and grabbing his backpack.

"I love you, Doug," she said.

"I love you too, Mom," Doug answered as he put his backpack back over his shoulder and slipped out the door.


	2. It's Going To Be A Long One

Izzie O' Malley was sitting in her car in the hospital parking lot, staring at the massive glass paneled front doors, when Addison pulled up beside her. Addison got out of her own car and walked around to the driver's side window. When she bent down she could see Izzie white knuckling the steering wheel at ten and two. Addison waved slightly, but Izzie gave no indication that she had seen the movement. Lowering herself even more, she tapped gently on the glass.

Izzie started, and then pulled her keys out of the ignition and opened the door. "Hey, Addison," she said, reaching behind her seat to pull out her bag.

"Hey," Addison answered, eyeing her up and down carefully to check for signs of external damage.

"He didn't hurt me," she whispered. "Just lots of yelling. It's getting sort of old."

Addison draped an arm around her friend's shoulders as they walked into the building. "What is it this time?"

Izzie shook her head slightly, pushing the up button on the elevator. "Just stuff with Doug. Nothing major…I'm just sorry that Doug had to hear it."

"Hi, beautiful," they heard as the elevator doors open.

Addison stepped into the arms of her husband as Izzie hit the button for the third floor. "Hi," she replied. "You on your way out?"

"Yeah. But I'll ride back up with you. Hey, Iz."

"Hey, Alex," she answered, leaning on the railing on the rear wall and staring into the corner.

Addison leaned into her husband and let his arms wrap around her waist for the short ride up. When the doors dinged open, she gave him a quick hug goodbye. "I'll see you tonight when you come back, okay?"

"Okay," Alex answered as the doors shut.

Addison and Izzie walked together down the hall to the attending offices. Slinging her bag over the opposite shoulder, Izzie said, "I'll hook up with you and Mer at lunch, okay?"

Addison nodded, but Izzie was already disappearing down the hall. Opening the door to her office, she turned on the lights and threw her bag behind the desk. Addion hooked her pager onto her belt as she pulled her lab coat on.

"Dr. Montgomery. I need a consult."

Rolling her eyes, Addison looked up as she adjusted my coat. "Geese, Olivia, I've been here five minutes."

Olivia laughed, leaning against the doorframe. "If even. I was watching for you."

"Uh-huh," Addison teased, kicking off her driving shoes and switching them out for more comfortable patient rounding shoes.

"I have a pregnant patient in the pit who was the victim of a car accident. She's present with mild bleeding and some abdominal pain, and we need someone from OB to come down and check her out."

"No one but the best, huh?"

"Of course," Olivia answered as she shut her office door.

"I'll be down in a minute," Addison said. "I'm going to over to check the OR board, and then I'll head your way."

"Thank you, Dr. Montgomery."

OoooooooooooooO

Meredith dropped into the chair behind the main desk on the psych ward, dragging a chart over the counter and into her lap. "How's my patient?" she asked the nurse sitting next to her.

"Quiet," the nurse answered. "I haven't really seen her as much of a talking type." After a brief pause, the nurse added, "Weird to see you up here, off the surgical floor."

Shrugging slightly, Meredith flipped through the pages in the chart. "She may or may not desire plastic surgery in the future…and…I don't know. I just have a special interest in this one."

The nurse raised her hands in surrender. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I was just curious."

"I'll be stopping into her room shortly. Have her parents been back at all?"

The nurse shook her head without looking away from her computer monitor.

"Okay," Meredith said. "Thanks for your help."

She walked down the hall and slipped into the patient's room. "Good morning, Jodi."

The teenager was rolled over on her side, staring out the window. She had drawn the blankets tightly around her, blotting out the existence of her hospital gown. Walking across the room, Meredith cracked open the blinds slightly and pulled a chair up to the side of the bed.

"Hi, Jodi. I'm Dr. Grey. How are you feeling?" she asked.

Jodi held up her wrist without making any other movement. "How do you think?" she replied, drawing her arm back up to her chest.

"Have you seen your parents?"

"They won't be here if they don't have to be," she answered.

"Do you want to tell me why you did what you did?" Meredith asked gently.

She shook her head vehemently. "You'll laugh."

"Try me. I'm a terrific listener."

Twisting her neck so that her cheek was directly on her shoulder and she could look directly into my eyes, she said, "My boyfriend broke up with me, okay?" A single tear trickled down her cheek as she whispered, "Are you happy now?"

Meredith handed her a kleenex off of the table beside the bed. "Happy that you're talking? Yes. Happy that you're hurting? No."

Pulling herself up slightly in the bed, she said, "We went out to a movie, and as we were driving home, he pulled over to the side of the road. He parked the car, and he told me that it just wasn't working out; that he didn't want to see me anymore."

"I'm sorry," Meredith answered, knowing that it was sometimes better to say the simplest thing.

"He said that it wasn't me, it was totally him. But no matter what he says, I mean…He broke up with me. What's wrong with me that made him break up with me? I don't know how…I got it in my head that…I thought that I could cut the bad parts out of me, the parts that made everything not work."

Meredith sat silent, letting the young girl mull over her words before continuing.

"His home life isn't good…His mom's okay, but his dad is a total jerk, and I know that. But my parents are bad too. I know that he's sad. But I thought that I was good enough, that I could love him enough to fix it. I thought I was enough to heal everything that was broken." She held up her wrist and added, "Now he left me and I'm the one who's broken."

"You aren't broken," Meredith said, "not completely. You're talking about it, you're getting help, and that means that you're on the road to being fixed."

"I wish my mom was here," Jodi stated out of the blue.

"I'm sure that she's sorry she can't be."

"No," Jodi shook her head, "she's not. My father isn't either. They work a lot. When they are home, they pretty much ignore me. I think I'm a disappointment to them."

"Now I'm sure that's not true. Tell me about yourself." Meredith attempted to guide the conversation on a more positive track, suddenly feeling out of place without a psych degree.

Jodi played with the bandage around her wrist. "I don't know," she stammered. "What do you want to know?"

Meredith shrugged. "What do you want to tell?"

"I'm learning how to drive. My boyfriend was teaching me, because my parents didn't have the time. I'm in the Honor Society at school. I stay after a lot doing drama stuff. I was one of the leads in the last play we did." She chewed on her lower lip for a second before she added, "And I like to sing. Sometimes I write stuff too."

"Cool. Those are awesome things."

"Uh-huh," Jodi countered with a raised eyebrow.

"Those are awesome things," Meredith repeated. "I don't know how anyone could look at those things and call you a disappointment."

Jodi smiled slightly. "I don't know. I was just saying…"

"It's okay to still like yourself even though the relationship is over," Meredith said, trying not to let herself reflect back on her own failed marriage. "Sometimes, relationships just end. It doesn't have to be his fault or your fault. It can be nobody's fault, and that's okay."

Jodi's gaze drifted back towards the window.

"I know that you don't see that now, but it's the truth. And it will take some time, but we'll get you turned back around in the right direction. You'll see."

Meredith opened her chart and made a couple of notations before getting to her feet and shoving it back under her arm. "I have some other patients to see back on the surgical floor, but if you need anything, the nurses know how to get a hold of me. Otherwise, I will be back a little later."

"Okay," she answered quietly. Meredith had turned around and was almost out the door when Jodi whispered, "I know that it doesn't have to be anybody's fault…but I loved Doug, and I gave him everything…I don't know how to get that back."

Turning back around, Meredith said, "We'll help you get that back. That's what doctors are for."

Jodi turned around on the bed and drew the blanket tighter around her body as Meredith went out into the hall.

"It's going to be a long day," Meredith mumbled to herself, setting the chart down at the nurse's station. "It's going to be a really long day."


	3. The Sound of Thunder

Lanie rummaged through her messenger bag, pulling out a small makeup compact. Leaning into the mirror, she applied eye makeup darker and stronger than her mother approved of. Pulling out her hair tie, she shook her long red hair loose around her shoulder and used her palm to scrunch it up.

"Lanie. You got any lip gloss?" Lanie's best friend Cassie sauntered into the bathroom with her hand outstretched.

Bending down, Lanie pulled her tube of cherry lip gloss out of the side pocket of her bag and tossed it to Cassie. "There you go," she said, watching as her best friend applied it without so much as a glance into the mirror.

"More makeup your mom doesn't like?" Cassie asked, handing Lanie back the lip gloss tube.

"Yeah," Lanie said, giving her hair one last once over in the mirror. "We're going to be late to homeroom." Stooping down to pick up her bag, she headed out of the bathroom with Cassie on her heels.

"Have you seen Rich yet today?"

"Not yet. But he's never here until right when the first bell is ringing anyway." Lanie turned around the corner, dodging student traffic cluttering the halls.

"Did you talk to him like you promised?" Cassie asked.

"Not yet."

"Come on, Lanie," Cassie sighed. "You promised."

"I've known him practically my whole life, but we haven't been that close lately, Cass, we were together, but, I mean…when I see him, I'll hint that you're interested, but beyond that…" Lanie shrugged and lifted her hands in the air in a gesture of surrender.

"I guess," Cassie pouted.

The pair walked into their homeroom and settled into their desks right beside each other right as the bell rang. Rich slipped into the room right as the bell finished ringing, and slipped into his desk around the room as the teacher turned to face the class.

"We have a couple of announcements today," George O' Malley said to his class. "First off, there is an all school assembly tomorrow morning directly following homeroom. Apparently the administration feels the need to go over the school tolerance rules a third time, once again disrupting our student's education."

"We don't mind!" someone called from across the room.

Lanie looked over at Cassie to exchange a laugh, but Cassie's gaze was locked on to Rich across the room. Lanie pulled a notebook and a pen out of her bag, flipping it around to doodle on the back.

"As of this moment on," George continued, "any student caught using an Ipod or any sort of music player during class will receive detention, as well as the loss of their music player."

A course of groans echoed throughout the room.

"We are here to learn, people, to memorize and absorb knowledge. We aren't here to listen to that sludge you call music."

There was a rustling noise across the room as several students removed headphones from their ears and shoved them into their bags. Lanie watched out of the corner of her eye as Cassie removed her own earbuds and slipped them into Lanie's bag.  
"Hey!" Lanie hissed.

Cassie just shrugged, returning to her adoration of Rich.

"Last thing," George said, an undertone of relief in his voice. "The guidance office is starting to set students up for classes for next school year. Class selection forms can be picked up in the guidance office. If you want certain electives, your best bet is to sign up early so that you have the best shot. Pick up the forms, fill them out, have your parents sign them, and bring them back. The end."

As George finished talking, the bell signaling the end of the homeroom period rang. "See you tomorrow," he called to the students as they spilled out of his classroom into the hallway. Flopping down in his chair, he waited for his next students to come in.

Cassie turned back to Lanie with the smile of a plotting teenager. "Rich has study hall this period in the cafeteria. You want to skip next period with me and go hang in there?"

"I hate skipping," Lanie said as they reached their lockers and grabbed books from inside. "I feel like I'm missing stuff."

"Isn't that the point? Missing stuff?"

Lanie rolled her eyes. "Whatever you want, Cass, if you buy me a soda."

Cassie grabbed Lanie by the arm and steered her into the cafeteria, pushing her towards Rich before heading over to the soda machine.

"Rich," Lanie nodded.

"Hi," he nodded back, closing his textbook.

"Look," she started, "this is really embarrassing, but…"

Cassie dropped into the bench across from us, putting a soda in front of me. "Hey, Rich."

"Hi, Cassie," he answered.

"Look…Rich," Lanie laughed. "Cassie really wants to talk to you."

"Oh really?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Cassie ducked behind her backpack, her face flushing a bright red.

"Apparently she has a crush on you, judging by her blushing and ducking behind her bag," Lanie stated. "Happy now, Cassie?"

"Thank you," she mumbled from behind the fabric.

"So Rich, Cassie. Cassie, Rich."

OoooooooooooooooO

_Lanie took the red block she was holding and threw it at the door of the playroom, wondering when her mother would finally come back for her. "I want my mommy," she said to nobody in particular._

_"Where's your mommy?" Doug asked, sprawling out in front of her._

_"Working with your mommy."_

_"Oh," he answered. "Can I play with your blocks?"_

_"Yeah," Lanie answered, turning slightly so that she had access to the dolls behind her._

_"Can I play?" Rich asked._

_Doug nodded, shoving some of the blocks over to Rich. They slowly built a fort of blocks together, alternating who would lay the next piece._

_"My Barbie is super woman," Lanie stated, marching the doll across the floor until it stood by the boy's building. "She could blow your whole house down."_

_"Nuh-uh," Doug answered. "Nothing could blow my house down. I'm making the best house. The best."_

_"My half is better," Rich said childishly._

_"It's good," Lanie said. After a moment's thought, she added, "Can she sit in it?" while holding up the doll._

_"Be careful," Rich said solemnly._

_"If you knock it down, you can't play with us anymore."_

_Lanie reached out with her doll, gently balancing her on the top of their block building. The walls held for almost a minute before collapsing, but it felt like forever. "That was cool."_

_"You broke it!" Doug cried, pulling the doll out of the wreckage and tossing it into her lap. "Now we have to do it over!"_

_Lanie shrugged, hugging her doll. "So do it over. You can build it again. You can be anything that you want to be."_

OoooooooooooooooO

Addison bent over the patient in the exam room, listening to her heartbeat. "Hi, Angie. I'm Dr. Montgomery. Can you tell me what happened?"

The patient leaned back as Addison wheeled over the ultrasound cart. "I was in an accident."

_I hadn't guessed that. _Addison thought to herself, fighting hard to keep the smirk off of her face. "Were you wearing a seatbelt?"

"When I got hit, it tightened around me really hard, and it's been hurting really bad, and…"

Addison rolled up the parts of the patient's shirt that hadn't already been cut away. "I'm going to spread some gel on your abdomen so that I can use ultrasound to check the baby. It might be a little bit cold."

Angie winced as Addison smeared on the gel. "You aren't kidding."

"Sorry," she answered as she lifted the transducer.

"It's okay."

"I'm going to place this on top of the gel and use it to take pictures of the baby."

Angie nodded. "I've had an ultrasound before."

"Okay, here we go," Addison said, lowering the transducer to her belly. The pictures from her abdomen came up on the ultrasound screen, and Addison checked the baby over carefully. "It looks like everything is normal. I'm guessing that the pain you're feeling right now is bruising from the seatbelt, but I'd like you to stay at the hospital overnight just so we can have you under observation."

"All right," she agreed. "I'd do anything for this baby."

Addison smiled, shutting off the ultrasound machine. "I get that. I have one of my own."

OooooooooooooooO

Lanie gathered up her books and her purse and stood up from the table. "Now that you have been probably introduced, I'll leave you to your love chatting."

"Aw, Lanie," Rich whined, "don't go."

"I have to go to class, Rich, I'm already late."

"Fine by me," Cassie piped in.

Rolling her eyes, Lanie said, "I see how I rate."

"I love you, Lanie," Cassie said.

"Uh huh," she muttered, turned away.

As Lanie reached the cafeteria, a severe thundering sound stole over the cafeteria, rattling the glass and causing all of the students to fall silent.


	4. Nothing In, Nothing Out

Addison grabbed a coffee and sat next to Izzie at their usual table in the cafeteria. "Hey, how's your day going?"

"Boring," Izzie said. "Haven't had any real patients, just rounds on yesterday's surgeries."

Meredith sat down next to them with an extremely greasy and sad looking cheeseburger. "Hey, Iz, I'm treating your son's ex-girlfriend today."

"Really? What happened?" Izzie asked, tracing the rim of her soda with her finger.

"She tried to commit suicide," Meredith replied. "And her parents are…interesting. She's been here over twenty four hours and I have yet to even see her parents. I'm about ready to report them to child services. It's ridiculous."

Izzie shook her head in dismay. "She used to spend a lot of time with Doug to get away from them. Honestly, I didn't even know they had broken up."

Addison raised an eyebrow, taking a sip of her coffee. "Teenager's lives are like soap operas sometimes. It's hard to keep up."

"Not with them," Izzie said, obviously surprised. "It seemed like they really cared for each other. I'm sort of amazed. More so that I didn't even know about it, you know?"

"She told me that Doug broke up with her," Meredith said.

"Why?" Izzie frowned.

Meredith shook her head. "You'd have to ask Doug. All she would tell me was that he said it wasn't anything with her, that it was all him."

"Oh," Izzie answered.

"I'm glad Lanie's not really into dating," Addison interjected. "I'm not ready for any of this stuff yet."

"Rich is too busy doing other stuff, studying and doing prep. He told me he doesn't want to let a relationship get in the way, that he had the rest of his life to fall in love. He threw something in about how no one falls in love in high school. He's probably right about that." Meredith took a big bite out of her cheeseburger, and giggled when Addison cringed at the grease dripping back down onto the plate.

"That's disgusting," Addison said.

"What?" Meredith asked, still snickering as she looked right at Addison and shook the burger over the plate to make more grease splatter on the table.

Addison began to laugh too. "Hospital food. Blah."

"Doug's been acting really weird lately," Izzie said out of the blue. "I'm worried about him."

"What's up?" Meredith asked.

Izzie shook her head uncertainly. "I'm not sure. He's been really quiet. This morning, I know he heard George and I fighting about him. And now this. I can't believe he broke up with Jodi…" She looked down into her lap, wringing her hands together. "I feel like I don't even know him anymore. The son that I know would have told me about breaking up with his girlfriend, and I knew nothing. I hate that."

"He's a teenager," Addison responded, giving her hand a squeeze. "He'll come back to you."

"Sure," she said, finishing off her pudding cup and throwing it away in the garbage can. "I sure hope so."

OoooooooooooooooooO

Doug leaned against the front door, feeling the weight of the chains in his hands. He wove one end of the chain through the front door, wrapping it again and again before locking it with a padlock. "Nobody's getting out," he whispered to nobody in particular. "Nobody leaves."

Running rapidly through the hallway, he made it to the door on the other side of the school and repeated the chaining process. "Nothing in," he said, "nothing out."

Walking back down the hallway, he stopped in front of the cafeteria. Doug listened to the screams inside as the second explosion ripped through the school. Shoving the chain through the handles, he sealed everyone in the cafeteria inside. "Nobody gets out," he whispered, too quietly for anybody inside to hear.

A teacher down the hall stuck his head out the door of his classroom as the roar of the second explosion hung in the air. His eyes lighting on Doug, he asked, "Son, what are you doing?"

Doug reached around his back and tugged on his gun sling, hauling his rifle up to action.

"Son, put the gun down," the teacher whispered. "Put the gun down." He held his hands up and took a few slow steps in Doug's general direction. "Nobody needs to get hurt here."

Doug focused on the man as he approached, holding the rifle steady. "Nobody gets out," he whispered.

"What was that, son?" the teacher asked quietly, taking another tentative step.

"Don't call me son," Doug said in a monotone, pulling his finger back on the trigger.

The bullet struck the teacher in the chest, and he fell backwards, seeming to Doug to be in slow motion. Doug fired two more shots through the open door of the classroom before stepping over the teacher's unmoving body and continuing on down the hall.

OooooooooooooooO

"What was that?" somebody yelled. "What the heck was that?"

Another sudden wave of sound rocked the cafeteria, and the windowpane that was nearest to Lanie shattered. Lanie hit the ground, rolling out of the way of the glass, as one of the girls behind her screamed.

"Lanie!" Rich cried out, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her back beside the table with Cassie. "What's going on? What was that?"

Lanie shook her head rapidly, her eyes wide as she tried to take everything in. "I'm not sure," she stammered. "Why are you asking me?"

"I don't know," he answered. "I have absolutely no idea."

"It sounded like something was blowing up," Cassie stated, her voice trembling. "Like an explosion."

The lights in the cafeteria flickered twice and then went out. A crackling sound rippled through the lights in the ceiling as the emergency generator clicked in, and every third light or so came back to life. Students crowded at the window, peering out towards the student parking lot. "Oh my god," somebody whispered, followed by a lot of other mumblings and a general wave of panic. "It's on fire,"

Lanie pushed through the crowd and pressed her palms up against the glass, trying to see the parking lot clearly. Feeling her breath catch in her lungs, she pushed away from the glass and spun towards Rich. "Rich, there's a car on fire. There's a car on fire in the lot."

Students were pushing away from the window in waves, streaming for the door. Some of the kids were dissolving into tears, being moved along in the flow of people traffic by their peers. There was a clog at the head of the line, and Rich pushed through. "What's the problem? We need to get out of here," he snapped, pushing on the door. No matter how hard Rich pushed against the door, he couldn't get it to open. "It's stuck," he said, pushing on it again. "Somebody help me. Somebody strong."

One of the other boys stepped up to the door and they pushed on it together. "There's something on the other side," Rich said, stepping back in defeat. "It's not going to open."

There was a cracking sound in the hallway as Rich turned away from the door. "What is that?" Lanie asked, pushing closer to Rich.

"We need to get away from the door," he said, steering Lanie back towards the middle of the room. "Everybody!" he yelled. "We need to get back, get away from the door! We can't go out there."

"Rich?" Lanie said again. "What is it? What is it?"

There was a series of pops from the hallway, and a series of screams. Somebody next to Lanie started to sob, "That's a gun, it's a gun, it's a gun, oh my…"

The sound of gunshots moved away down the hall, and Rich said, "Everyone stay quiet. You all need to stay quiet." Most of the crowd around them sank down to the floor in shock.

OoooooooooooooO

Addison leaned against the counter down in the pit. "I want my patient moved up to a room for the night. She checked out okay, but I want to keep an on eye on her for the day just to be safe."

"All right," the nurse nodded. "I'll take care of it."

Izzie drifted up behind them, reaching around the counter to grab a chart off the computer monitor. "Is this my case?"

"Just leaning here," Addison smiled. "Contrary to proper belief, I do not know everything."

A beeping sound drifted up, and Addison lifted her pager up to peer down at it, just as Izzie's did the same.

"They're calling all attendings to the second floor conference room?" she frowned. "Do you know what's up?"

Addison laughed as they hopped into the elevator, repeating, "Like I said, contrary to popular belief, I do not know everything."

The two friends rode the elevator, hopping out into a crowd of buzzing attendings. Addison raised an eyebrow, slipping out to lean against the wall next to Meredith. "Something's going on," she said, turning to look at Addison out of the corner of her eye while maintaining her gaze on the rest of the crowd with the other eye.

Pursing her lips together slightly, Addison nodded. "Because I have nothing better to do than to sit in the middle of a crowded hallway. Not like I have patients or anything."

Filing into the conference room, precious few doctors got seats and the rest of them crowded the walls.

Dr. Thade, the chief of staff at the hospital stood up in the corner, the chief of surgery by her side. "I know that not all of you are in the specific surgery field. However, we do have a need right now for all hands on deck, so we want to keep everybody informed."

"What's going on?" somebody asked.

"There are reports of shots fired at the high school."


	5. My Son Is The Shooter

Lanie leaned back against Rich as they huddled underneath the table he had flipped up sideways.

"What do we do?" she hissed. "What are we supposed to do now?"

He shrugged, peering at the still closed doors over the top of the table. "I'm…not sure. Little beyond my scope of smarts here, Lanie."

The study hall monitor pushed out from behind a clutch of kids, walking slowly to the center of the room while steadying his glasses on his nose.

"Where's he been?" Cassie snapped.

"Cool it," Lanie shot back.

"We need to file out the back doors of the cafeteria in an orderly fashion. I think we should be able to get out the side door back by the freezers, the one where they make deliveries."

A mad throng of students was suddenly pushing for the side door.

"Orderly!" the monitor screamed. "Orderly!"

OooooooooooooooO

Addison found herself sinking to the floor, Meredith and Izzie right beside her. "Which high school?" Meredith asked, digging her fingers into Addison's left arm.

"Washington Heights," Dr. Thade answered.

"Oh…wow…" Addison whispered under her breath. _That's my daughter's high school, _she thought. There was only one thing running through her head at that point, and that was that she had to go there. She had to go to her daughter right away.

"Here's what we're going to do. Those of you who are surgical attendings, we are splitting into two groups. One group will remain here to take care of the incomings. The other group will go to the school and help victims as they are brought out. At this point, we don't know how many, or even if any, students are hurt. There's not a lot we do know. But we are preparing."

OoooooooooooooO

Doug stalked down the hallway, the school eerily silent. Seven steps. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. He put his hand on the doorknob of his father's classroom and twisted. Locked. Using the butt of the rifle, he took a swing at the knob, to no avail.

He gave the window an experimental tap, once lightly, and then a little harder the second time. The glass splintered and gave way, and he pushed through and reached down for the doorknob. A chorus of sobbing met his ears as he pushed open the door.

George was boosting students up and out one of the side windows. Doug raised the rifle and leveled it at him. "Stop. Get away from the window."

Putting up his hands, George backed slowly away from the window. Only three students remained in the classroom as the last one George had helped wiggled out the rest of the way. Crouching low to the ground, the three remaining students ducked behind the desk as George held a hand out to his son.

"Doug? What's going on?"

"Step away from the window," Doug said again.

"Son," George said, taking another careful step forward. "Nobody needs to get hurt, just give me the gun."

"Don't call me son," Doug said for a second time. "You have no right to call me son."

"You're my son, Doug, you know that, you mean more to me than anything."

"Then why do call me a disappointment? Why do you talk about me behind my back? You act like my life is some kind of a joke, Dad, well it's not a joke to me. And it won't be a joke to you anymore either."

George took another step, keeping a student's desk between his body and his son. "Doug…"

"You keep telling me I'm nothing, Dad," he said, taking a step in the opposite direction from his father. "You keep telling me I'm nothing, but it's not true, Dad." Waving the rifle around, he said, "I'm something now, right? I'm something now."

"Doug, I…"

"I didn't mean to be a disappointment, Dad. I wasn't trying to be. But maybe the disappointment here isn't even me. Maybe it's you."

"Doug, I was was wrong, I…"

"Get on your knees," Doug whispered.

"There's nothing wrong with being ordinary," George stammered. "There's nothing wrong with you, son, it was me who was wrong, and if you give me the gun, we can fix it."

"We won't fix anything. I'm going to fix things." Doug jabbed the rifle at his father. "Get on your knees, now," he said, a little more harshly.

George dropped to his knees and closed his eyes, sucking in his breath so that by the time the bang came he felt nothing at all.

Doug turned away from where his father lay and walked around the desk, leveling the rifle at the three remaining students and pulling the trigger three times in rapid succession.

OoooooooooooooooO

Izzie and Addison sat together in the ambulance, their trauma kits in their laps. "How do we know what to expect?" she whispered.

"We don't," Addison said, shaking her head. "I guess we just don't."

"How do we find our kids?" Izzie's voice shook.

"I don't know, Iz. I just don't know."

"I wonder if they're together," she mused, "if they at least have each other?"

"Maybe."

Dr. Thade turned around in the front seat to face the group of doctors in the back. "We've gotten word from the police that this is a mass casualty event. The school is not secure, we need to stay back and treat people off the premises until we get the okay to move onto the property. Normal triage procedure will apply. Assess, perform basic treatment, tag, and move on. Red tags are critical. Yellow tags are secondary to the red tags, all red tag victims will be transported first. Green tags are minor, use these on all people with less severe injuries. Use the colored tags system, it's very important to rate the victims in order of severity. Resources on scene are focused on those who have the greatest chance of survival. Red tags will be transported to the nearest hospital after they are stabilized, and will be treated there. Try to get patient names. There are a lot of parents out there waiting for information." Dr. Thade locked eyes with Addison before asking, "Are there any questions?"

"Lanie could be hurt," Addison whispered. "How am I supposed to find her…?"

Izzie shook her head aimlessly as the ambulance came to a stop. "We treat people, and we let them come to us, I guess."

The back doors came open, and the doctors stepped out onto the asphalt.

Smoke billowed from a car in the middle of the student lot. There were people everywhere, across the lot and the lawns. Police officers with guns were herding the students and teachers off the property, directing the wounded and those assisting them to the makeshift triage area.

"Oh my…" Izzie clutched her triage bag to her chest, whirling around in a circle to take everything in. "Oh…"

Addison forced everything around her out, trying not to picture Lanie lying somewhere, hurt. "I can't think about those red tags," she whispered to Izzie. "If I think about those red tags, I think about my daughter being a red tag…and I can't think about that right now."

"Me either. Let's just…"

"Be positive?" Addison offered.

Izzie nodded, and they moved their way into the throng.

OoooooooooooooO

"It's locked," Rich said, pushing on the delivery door. "It must be locked from the outside. It won't budge."

"Crap," the study hall monitor murmured. "Now what?"

"Isn't that your job?" one of the other boys snapped.

The room filled with bitter bickering.

OooooooooooooO

Doug carefully pulled the chain out of the cafeteria doors, letting it fall to the tile with a clang that echoed through the now empty hall. Sirens echoed outside the school, and could he someone in the distant yelling on some sort of bullhorn. Pulling open the door to the cafeteria, he slipped inside.

OooooooooooooO

Lanie leaned back against the wall, pulling her hair back and hoisting it up off of her neck. "Rich, if it…if anything happens…I…I want…"

"Don't talk like that," he whispered. "Don't even think like that. Everything's going to be fine. We're going to be fine."

"No, I need to tell you something, I…"

"Lanie, it's okay. We'll be fine," Rich insisted.

Doug followed the sounds of arguing back into the kitchen. He at first blended into the crowd of students, until one of the girls saw the rifle in his hands and began to scream.

Lanie saw the rifle and slid down the wall to the ground. "Doug…" she whispered, so quietly that no one could hear her over the chaos. "Doug…what are you doing?"

"That's it," Doug said, pointed the rifle towards Lanie. "Everybody sit down on the floor. And shut up. I don't want to hear you talking."

Rich put one arm around Lanie and one arm around Cassie. "Doug?" he asked. "What's going on? What are you doing?"

Doug walked through the people on the floor and right up to Rich, leveling the barrel at his forehead. "No questions. You guys are my way out of here. Sit down, shut up, don't try to move, and nobody gets hurt."

OoooooooooooooO

Izzie wrapped a blanket around another one of the non-injured students and kept moving. "My son. Doug O' Malley. Has anybody seen my son?"

Several students shook their heads, parting ways for a girl who was lying on the ground surrounded by a small group. "O' Malley?" she whispered. "Mr. O' Malley saved my life. He pushed me out the window…right as…"

"George…" Izzie whispered.

Addison shrugged past her friend, bending down to treat the cuts of the girl on the ground.

"George saved you? Mr. O' Malley?" Addison asked.

"Yeah," the girl nodded. "I was…in his English class. We heard the explosions, and then there were these popping sounds in the hall getting closer and closer." She began to sob, tears streaming down her cheeks as she continued. "He started shoving kids out the window. He just kept telling us to move, move…"

"Did any of you see Doug O' Malley? My son, George's son?" Izzie asked.

"Doug?" the girl on the ground frowned, almost seeming to stop breathing. "Doug O' Malley…he's the one doing the shooting."

Izzie wavered on her feet before sinking down to the ground. Addison caught her before she hit totally. "George…what happened to George?" she whimpered.

The girl on the ground shook her head. "I was the last one out. I think he's still inside."

Addison wrapped a blanket around her best friend's shoulders and steered her over to the man who was hollering orders into the bullhorn. Pushing aside her fear for Lanie, Addison tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned around, Izzie said quietly, "It's my son. My son is the shooter."


	6. My Mom's Out There

Addison moved away from Izzie in the crowd, leaving her with the police officer. Scanning the crowd, she prayed for any sign of her daughter, searching the heads for her beacon of bright red hair. There was nothing. She knew deep within her gut that her daughter was still somewhere inside the building.

OooooooooooooooO

_"You're a baby," Rich teased. "You're afraid of the water!"_

_Lanie watched from in the pool, moving her arms through the water so that her floaties reflected the sunlight. "Come on, Doug, it's fun!"_

_Doug stood at the edge of the pool, his toes curled over the side. "I can't."_

_"Why not?" Rich asked. "You scared?" When Doug said nothing, Rich taunted, "You are scared! I knew it, I knew it!"  
"Rich!" Lanie protested, "Stop it!"_

_"Okay," he said. Moving so quickly Lanie didn't have a chance to cry out, he put his hands on Doug's shoulders and shoved him into the pool. Doug fell into the water, struggling for several seconds before Lanie helped him put his feet on the ground._

_"See?" she said. "You can stand up. It's okay."_

_Rich slid into the water beside them. "You're okay, right?"_

_Doug grabbed his wet glasses, putting them back on his face briefly before realizing he couldn't see. "I can't see," he whispered._

_"Oh, come on!" Rich complained, climbing back out of the pool and taking Doug's glasses. "Just clean them off! They're fine!"_

_Doug got out of the water, and Lanie slowly followed. "Give them back," Doug ordered, reaching for the glasses._

_"I'm helping," Rich insisted, rubbing the lenses in the towel. "See?"_

_"Give them back!" Doug yelled. "Give them back now!"_

_When Rich pulled the glasses away out of Doug's reach, Doug balled his hand up into a fist. Drawing back, he hauled off and hit Rich square in the nose. Rich fell down; a hand to his face._

_"You're mean!" he said, trying not to cry. "I was just teasing, I didn't do anything!"_

_Lanie hung back, afraid that if she went closer Doug would lash out at her too._

_"I told you to give them back," Doug said quietly. "I warned you."_

_"I don't want to play with you anymore," Rich said, fighting back tears. "This is my house, and I'm telling you to go home."_

_Doug picked up his towel and disappeared around the side of the house as Rich and Lanie exchanged silent glances._

OooooooooooooooooooO

Doug leaned against the frame in the open door, blocking the only path out of the back room. Lanie turned to Rich and whispered, "How long has it been since you talked to him?"

Rich shook his head, shrugging his shoulders slightly. "I don't know."

"Stop talking," Doug hissed, waving the rifle in their general direction.

Cassie buried her face in Rich's shoulder, muffling her sobs. Lanie felt the cold air entering down to her bones, and dug her nails into her wrist to stop from shivering. Biting into her lower lip, she scanned the numbed faces of her classmates.

"Lanie," Doug said.

Her head snapped back in his direction, and she found herself afraid of breathing.

Doug beckoned her to come. When she didn't move, he crossed the room and grabbed her arm, yanking her to her feet. "Come with me." Steering Lanie by her arm with one hand and clutching the rifle in the other, he stepped out of the backroom. "Nobody moves," he said over his shoulder, "or I will shoot her."

Lanie took a deep breath as he shoved her forward, slamming her eyes shut and concentrated on not passing out. "What are you doing?"

"You're going to go up to the window and look outside," he said calmly. "I'm going to be behind you with a rifle in your back. You're going to tell me what's going on out there, and then we are going to walk back to the storage room."

"Why are you doing this?" she whispered.

"No questions," he answered, jamming the rifle harder into the small of her back. "Do what I say."

Lanie put her hands up to the glass, peering out.

"What do you see?"

"A lot…a ton of people."

"Police?" he asked.

Lanie nodded, becoming more aware with every passing second of the rifle pressed to the small of her back. "Can we go back now?"

"What else?" he asked.

"I…" She scanned the parking lot, her eyes lighting on the man with the bullhorn. "There's a police officer with a bullhorn. And…" She looked a little bit closer. "And…I think I might see your mom. And my mom…" Tears started to stream down her face. "My mom's out there…My mom…"

"Get back," he said, yanking her arm and shoving her back through the door. "Get away from the window, before they see you."

Lanie fell through into the backroom, as Rich came out from behind the doorframe and jumped on top of Doug.

OoooooooooooooooO

"Excuse me?" the man with bullhorn.

"My son," Izzie repeated. "Doug O' Malley, my son. I think he's the shooter."

The man grabbed Izzie by the shoulder, steering her away towards the larger swarm of police officers.

OoooooooooooooooO

"Rich, don't!" Lanie cried out.

Lanie fell on her hands and knees, rolling over into the group as people around her started to scream. Peering back, she saw Rich shove Doug out onto the tile floor, and the rifle clattered across the floor towards the main door. Grabbing Doug by the hair, Rich slammed his head into the tile again and again.

Doug closed his eyes against the pain and reached down sightlessly into his boot to pull out a small pistol. "Rich!" Lanie screamed, squeezing her eyes shut again as the pistol went off with a bang.


	7. Something Extraordinary

"He's in the cafeteria," one of the police officer radioed in. "There have been more shots fired. Officers in the building are surrounded the area and blocking it off."

The officer with Izzie in his grasp sat her down in the backseat of one of the cars with the door open. "Wait here," he ordered, running towards the building. "Let's move, people. Let's go!"

As he disappeared into the building, Izzie couldn't stop herself from running after him.

OoooooooooooooooO

Doug shoved Rich's body off of him to the floor and got to his knees. Lanie could see his hands shaking slightly as he struggled to hold on to the pistol. "I didn't…I didn't mean…Not Rich."

There was a wave of people pushing past her and running for the doors, and Lanie was crying so hard she couldn't move. Somebody tried to grab her arm and drag her along, but she shook them off and crawled over to the boys instead. Doug raised the pistol, shooting at the students fleeing with shaky hands.

Lanie saw a couple of people fall to the ground, but there was no one in world anymore except for her and Rich and Doug. Reaching out with one hand, no longer aware of even the boy beside her waving the gun around, she touched Rich gently on the chest. He didn't stir, and when she pulled her hand away, it was covered in blood.

Pulling away suddenly, Lanie pinned herself to the wall as the doors flew back open and a police officer appeared with his gun drawn.

"Doug? Doug O' Malley?"

Doug's grip on the pistol tightened, and he rose slowly to his feet, a small smile forming on his face. "You already know my name, right? You know my name?"

"Put the gun down and walk to me."

Lanie focused on Rich's lifeless face, tears streaming so quickly down her cheeks that she could barely see.

"Funny," Doug said. "It's funny how people keep telling me to do that, and funny how I still don't. I'm making choices." He took a step back, yanking Lanie away from Rich and pulling her to her feet. "I'm making choices," he said as wrapped one arm around her neck and used the other to hold the pistol to her head. "I'm becoming less than ordinary. I'm growing into something extraordinary."

Lanie sobbed hysterically, all thoughts of struggling going out of her as she leaned into Doug. The sensation of floating took over, and she found herself watching from above as the pistol was being shoved into her temple.

"Extraordinary, son," the police officer whispered carefully, "would be letting the girl go."

OoooooooooooooooooO

Izzie ran down the hall, pushing past the officers that tried to stop her. She knew the route like the back of her hand, and she crashed through the officers towards the entrance to the cafeteria.

"Mame, you can't go in there." Another officer grabbed onto Izzie's arm and tried to bar her from entering the cafeteria.

"My son is in there," she replied, shaking off his arm and shoving by him.

OooooooooooooooO

"Extraordinary is my legacy," Doug retorted. "Look what I've done here." He nodded his head around the room as if gesturing. "Look at everything I've done."

"And that's all fine and good, but you need to let the girl go, Doug. Just let her go, and we can talk."

Lanie winced as Doug's arm tightened around her neck.

"Doug!" Izzie skidded into the room, coming to a stop behind the police officer.

"Mom, get out of here!" Doug yelled. "Get out! You don't need to be here!"

"Doug, let Lanie go and come to me," Izzie said.

"Get out of here!" he screamed.

"I'm not leaving. I won't leave you Doug, I won't ever leave you, I…"

Doug's grip around Lanie's neck loosened slightly. "Mom?" he whispered. "Mommy?"

"Doug?" Izzie answered, reaching out a hand to her son.

"I love you," he replied.

In the second it took Lanie to realize the barrel of the gun was no longer against her temple, Doug had pulled it away and raised it to his own head. Maintaining the grip on Lanie, he took a few steps backwards, sliding his arm down towards Lanie's hip, and pulled the trigger.

As Lanie crumpled to the ground, no longer supported by weight of Doug's arm, the rapport of the gun echoed above her head. She covered her ears in a futile attempt to block out the sound, lifting her head slowly and looking over her shoulder. The only thing that stared back at her were Doug's sightless eyes. With a shudder, Lanie began to scream, and she felt like she might never stop.


	8. I Have To Be Here

Addison stood up from the student she was bandaging and surveyed the situation in the lot. She was dimly aware of the man coming up to her elbow, but only turned to face him when he spoke her name. "Dr. Montgomery?"

"Yes," she answered, throwing the contents of her trauma bag back together and swinging it over her shoulder.

"I need you to come with me please." At Addison's questioning glance, he added, "It's your daughter."

They walked through the strangely empty hallways of the school, making several turns before the police officer opened a door and stepped inside.

Lanie was folded into the corner of the empty classrooms. Addison knelt down in front of her. "Lanie?"

She gave no indication that she heard her mother; her eyes were fixed on something off in the distance.

"She hasn't spoken," the police officer said. "We tried to check her and see if she was hurt, but she wouldn't let us do that either."

Addison frowned, pulling a clean towel out of her bag and dumping a small amount of bottled water onto it. "How did you know…"

"To get you? Your friend told us. Isobel O' Malley?"

Addison took one of her daughter's hands into her lap, gently wiping the blood off. Still, she gave no reaction or signs that she knew her mother was there. "Where's Izzie?"

"She in another room," was the only answer Addison got.

"It's safe in here…right?"

He nodded. "It's safe. We wouldn't have let you in here if it wasn't."

"This isn't…her blood."

"No. She was hugging her friend when we pulled her away."

Addison was dimly aware that if it was safe, something must have happened to Doug. Kneeling down, she continued to sponge off her daughter as the police man radioed out for a gurney, wondering dimly in the back of her head how she was keeping it all together. Paramedics wheeled the gurney in within a couple of minutes, and Lanie hung limply as they boosted her up and strapped her in. Covering her with a blanket, Addison ran along next to the gurney as the paramedics took her back to the ambulance. "I want to ride along. I'm her mother."

The paramedic nodded, letting her in as he slammed the door shut behind them.

OoooooooooooooooO

Izzie sat down in the chair that the officer pulled out for her, trying to make sense of the roaring inside her head.

"I'm sorry that you had to see that."

She could hear the unspoken words that the officer hesitated to say. _There's a reason why we told you to wait outside—either we were going to kill your son, or…_ "He's dead, isn't he?" _He has to be. After that…there can't be anything left._

The officer nodded slowly. "Mrs. O' Malley, do you…"

"I had no idea," she interrupted. "I had absolutely no idea. I didn't know my son at all."

"Where did he get the guns?"

"I…I don't…" Izzie stammered. "My husband, George, he's a hunter. A wanna-be…I don't know. Sometimes he hunts, I mean…His dad used to hunt, and he died, and then George hunted…but we never…There's a lock on his gun cabinet, and the ammo is locked away in a separate drawer, I don't…"

"It's okay, mame. But do you have any idea why he'd want to do this?"

Izzie shook her head, trying to clear the fog that was filling up her brain. "I don't…I…Like I said…I didn't know my son at all…I didn't know him at all, I…" She tried to stand up, but her legs wouldn't support her anymore, and she crashed down to the floor.

OooooooooooooooO

"Dr. Montgomery." Dr. Thade came up behind Addison in her daughter's room and pulled another chair up beside the bed. "How's she doing?"

"She's asleep," Addison answered, not breaking her gaze away from her child. "She lost consciousness in the ambulance and hasn't woken up since."

"Healing," Dr. Thade said.

"What?"

"She's healing her mind. After a trauma, sometimes, that's what happens. She'll be fine. No lasting injuries, just some bruises."

"I know. Believe me, I checked."

Dr. Thade reached out and squeezed Addison's hand. "Is Alex coming?"

"He was here for a while. Now he's off throwing himself into helping stitch up other victims. I'd help, but…"

"You'd rather be here."

"I'm needed here. She's my daughter. He needs to be busy." Addison took one of Lanie's hands into her own and rubbed it gently as if trying to put the life back into it.

"I don't expect you to be anywhere else right now." She stood up, pushing the chair she had been sitting in back into the corner. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay, Addison."

"Thanks, Elise," she whispered.

As she left the room, Alex came back in. "How is she?"

"Alive. Which is something to be grateful for. I just…" Shaking her head, Addison chewed on the corner of her lip and looked out the hospital room window into the darkness. "When she wakes up, I don't know how to explain that the whole world is different."

"More than you know," Alex whispered, kneeling in front of his wife.

"Alex?" Addison asked, trying to get him to meet her eye.

Refusing to let her catch his gaze, Alex pulled away and crossed the room. "There's…There's a lot of people that we know…knew…and loved…that aren't here anymore."

"Who else, Alex?" Addison asked, getting up and following him to the corner of the room away from the bed. "I mean, I know that Doug is gone, but…"

"Seventeen kids are reported dead so far," he whispered, turning his head to the shadows to hide his tears. "Seventeen. And several more in very serious condition."

"Who, Alex? Tell me, please."

He hung his head. "Cassie…Lanie's best friend."

"Oh no," Addison said, leaning heavily against the wall. "No."

"Meredith's son, Rich…According to kids who got out of the cafeteria, he was the one who wrestled the rifle away from Doug when he had it pointed at Lanie's back. Doug pulled a pistol out of his boot and shot Rich in the head."

"Poor Mer. Oh my…"

"And…The reason…The police think that the reason why…" Alex stumbled, at a loss for words.

"What?"

"The reason why Doug attacked the school in the first place was that…He was looking for George."

Addison's vision swam in front of her eyes as she sank to the floor in the corner. "Oh no…"

"George died a hero," Alex said, sitting down next to her. "My best friend died a hero. He helped almost his entire class to escape before Doug found him."

"Alex…"

He put an arm around her and drew her to his chest. They embraced in the dark.

"Have you seen Mer?"

Shaking his head, Alex squeezed me tighter. "They are calling parents down to the…morgue. They are bringing them down there to identify the…"

_The bodies. Oh…wow. _she thought. Addison took a deep breath. "Alex," she whispered, her eyes welling up with tears, "she's all alone, I…" She looked between him and Lanie, and back again. "Could you…?"

He nodded. "Go," he answered without her having to finish the sentence. "I'll stay here until you come back."


	9. How Could You Not Know?

The elevator ride to the lower level was long and mind numbing for Meredith.

_I am not doing this._ she thought. _I am not doing this. Not alone. I'm not. It's not happening. And if I keep telling myself that, it will be real._

After hours of waiting and watching for her son, Meredith finally had an idea of where he was. Unfortunately, it wasn't the idea she had wanted it to be.

_"Dr. Grey, your son…He died a hero. He disarmed the gunman and helped a whole group of children to escape that cafeteria. He was a very brave boy; he saved a lot of lives."_

"That doesn't make it any better that he's gone," Meredith whispered. Holding a tightly clenched fist to her mouth, she willed herself to hold in the tears until after she was done.

The elevator came to a stop at the lower level, and the door dinged opened.

"Dr. Grey?" the woman by the doors asked.

"Yes," she whispered, wishing with all of her heart that she could be anybody else.

"Follow me, please."

Putting one step in front of the other, Meredith willed herself to take long deep breaths, coming to a stop in front of the observation window.

_This is nothing I haven't done before…I've been in the morgue before, I've been here before, I…this is…This is my…_As the curtain came open, Meredith realized that she'd stopped breathing.

_This is my son…_

OoooooooooooooO

The doors to the lower level came open, and Addison entered the hallway just in time to see the curtain of the observation room come open. She ran to her friend just as Meredith collapsed to the floor and totally came apart.

"Mer, I'm here," Addison whispered, drawing her into her arms.

Her fingers tightened on the fabric of Addison's sweater as she struggled to breathe. Addison gestured up in the air over her shoulder for them to close the curtain.

Choking sobs escaped Meredith's throat as she tried to suck in giant gasps of air. "Addie…" she whispered between sobs. "He's…gone…he…"

Addison folded her into her arms and rocked back and forth slowly. "Sshh, sweetie, it's all right, it's okay."

"I can't…breathe," she gasped.

Getting to her knees, Addison rummaged around in the cart behind them, keeping one hand on Meredith's back to keep her from falling to the floor. Pulling out a small paper sack, she put it in Meredith's hand and helped her hold it to her mouth. "Breathe into the bag," she instructed. "Breathe into the bag, and try to make your breaths longer."

Helping her lean back against the wall, Addison scooted up next to her. After several minutes of breathing into the bag, she pulled it away and let it fall into her lap. Her hair hung limply around her face as she stared at the floor, exhausted. "I can't believe he's gone," she murmured, the emotion totally erased from her voice. "He's really gone."

Addison took her hands as they faced each other, meeting with uncertain gazes as she tried to figure out what to say. "Mer, I…I am so sorry."

"They said that he was a hero…" she whispered absently, her eyes drifting back towards the floor.

_It seems almost inappropriate to mention that he saved my daughter's life. _Addison thought. _Maybe now's not the best time for that._

"He saved Lanie's life. He saved everybody's lives in that cafeteria."

_Of course, if I sit here long enough…_"He did," Addison agreed.

"And as happy as I am that all of those kids are alive…" her voice trailed off and she shook her head. "As happy as I am for those parents…for you…It doesn't bring my son back."

"I'm so sorry, Mer," Addison whispered. "I'm just…so sorry."

"I am too," she whispered, gripping at the wall as she struggled to get to her feet.

"Let me help you," Addison said quickly, offering her a hand.

As she pulled Meredith up to her feet, a police officer exited the elevator with Izzie close in tow. Her eyes were downcast, and as she came into the hall, and Addison could think of absolutely nothing to say to her.

_I know that I should feel for her like I do for Meredith. _Addison thought. _I know I should. But…I can't right now. I just can't._

Keeping a loose hand on Meredith's arm, Addison tried to steer her towards the elevator and away from Izzie. But Meredith slipped right past Addison, and she stepped directly into Izzie's path, forcing her to look up. "How could you not know?" Meredith asked. "How could you?"

Before anyone could stop her, Meredith's hand struck the side of Izzie's face and sent her spinning. Izzie hardly reacted at all, coming back to her full height slowly. No signs of feeling flickered across her face.

"Miss, I need you to step back," the police officer said, coming between Meredith and Izzie.

"It's okay," Addison answered, one hand on Meredith's shaking shoulder. "We're okay," she insisted, steering Meredith into the elevator, and pressing the door close button.

As the doors slid closed, they just barely heard Izzie whisper, "I just…didn't. I didn't know him at all."


	10. Sometimes There's Too Much To Say

Addison was in her daughter's room, draped across the uncomfortable hospital furniture, when Lanie woke up.

"Hey," Addison whispered, quickly scooping up her hand. "Hi…"

Lanie rolled her head across the pillow, her eyes carefully absorbing her surroundings.

"Do you know where you are?" Addison asked.

Her gaze drifted back towards her mother as she nodded hesitantly. "The…hospital?"

"Yes," Addison answered.

Eyes darting around the room, she frowned slightly. "Why?"

Alex came into the room behind them, placing one hand on Addison's shoulder and the other over Lanie's hand. "What do you remember?" he asked gently.

She shook her head. "School? I went to school…I wanted coffee. Cassie was…No, I introduced Cassie to Rich in the cafeteria. She made me skip class, she didn't want to talk to him by herself."

Addison bit down quickly on the inside of her mouth to stop herself from crying. "You didn't like my coffee," she whispered.

"I didn't like your coffee," Lanie confirmed quietly. "It was gross."

Alex walked around to the other side of the bed and grabbed the chair, dragging it so that he could sit down next to them.

Lanie looked from Addison, to Alex, and then back again. "Mom? What's the matter?" she asked.

Addison tasted blood in the bottom of her mouth as she bit clear through her lip. Alex and Addison exchanged glances, trying to decide non-verbally how much was okay to tell her about. Digging her fingers into the fabric of her pants, Addison thought, _How am I supposed to tell my daughter that her best friends are dead?_

"Mommy?" Lanie whispered.

_She hasn't called me Mommy since she was eight or nine years old._

"Sweetheart…" Addison hesitated, unsure of how to continue. "What do you remember about being in the cafeteria?"

"Did something happen? Mom, please…"

"Honey," Alex said, "what's the last thing you remember?"

"I told you," she answered, starting to cry quietly. "I told you, I was introducing Rich to Cassie, she was being weird about it, I…What happened to me? Mommy, tell me, please, tell me what happened?"

"There was…an incident," Addison began, no longer able to keep her own tears at bay.

"You're crying," Lanie said, reaching up to wipe the tears off her mother's cheeks. Her forehead scrunched as she struggled to think. "Something happened…I was leaving, I was going back to class, and I didn't leave. Why?" she finished, looking to her parents again.

"Sweetie…you didn't leave because…you couldn't," Addison said.

Alex reached over and grabbed her hand. "Why don't you get some rest, and we'll talk about this all tomorrow, okay?"

"No," Lanie answered, her eyes wide. "I have to know, Daddy, it's…It's bad, isn't it?"

He nodded silently, unsure of what to tell her.

"Doug O' Malley…"

"Aunt Izzie's son," Lanie interrupted.

"Yes. Doug…He…" Addison broke off, shaking her head.

Alex put one arm around Addison's shoulders and stretched the other one across Lanie's body to hold her hand.

"He…brought a gun to school, Lanie," Addison murmured.

She looked her body up and down. "But…he didn't hurt me. Why am I…" Her head snapped back against the pillow as she sucked in a sudden breath, her grip on their hands hands tightening.

_"Get back!"_

_"Rich!"_

_"I didn't mean it, I…not Rich…"_

_"Get out of here! Get out of here!"_

_"Extraordinary is my legacy."_

"Extraordinary is my legacy," Lanie whispered.

"Lanie?" Addison touched her shoulder gently.

Lanie took in several shuddering gasps of air as her grip loosened. "That's what he said…after he killed Rich…I…I was holding him when he died. I was…holding him…"

She began to sob uncontrollably, and Addison pushed her chair aside and climbed right up in the bed with her, drawing her into her arms.

"And Doug…" she bawled, "Doug was holding me with the gun to my head, and I…" Her tears took over again, and she buried her face in Addison's shoulders, her fingers entwining in her mother's hair. "He shot himself in the head," she sobbed, her voice so muffled that they had to strain to hear. "He shot himself, and he dragged me with him…when he fell…and he's dead. He's dead, Mom, he's dead…they're dead."

Lanie's grip on Addison's hair tightened, and Addison lowered her face so that it was resting on top of her daughter's head. "I'm here now, it's safe."

Alex went into the bathroom and came out with a damp cloth, which he placed careful on the back of her neck. Addison kept Lanie's head close to her body, cupped in the palm of her hand, as she rocked Lanie back and forth.

"Mom…where's Cassie…?" Lanie asked as her sobs lessened slightly. "Is she okay? Was she hurt?"

Addison pulled her face back into her chest, praying that she could draw all of the hurt out of her daughter and into herself. "Cassie…Cassie was shot, sweetheart, she didn't make it."

"Oh no…" Lanie wailed, latching back onto Addison's hair. "Not Cassie too…"

They stayed that way for a long time, Lanie sobbing into Addison's chest and Alex rubbing light circles across her back. They stayed that way until Lanie's sobs ran dry and she slipped back into sleep.

Alex touched Addison's arm softly. "Let's go out in the hall for a little bit."

She shook my head, not wanting to leave her daughter alone.

"Let's take a break, just for a minute. Get something to drink, something…"

Nodding reluctantly, she carefully lifted Lanie's head and slipped out from underneath her before lowering her head down to the pillow so as not to wake her up.

Taking Addison's hand as she stepped down from the bed, Alex led her out into the hall and down the way to the vending machines. "That was rough," he said, feeding a dollar into the vending machine and punching for a cup of coffee.

The machine spit out the styrofoam cup and filled it up with coffee. Alex cracked open a couple creams and some sugar, dumping them into the cup and mixing it quickly before handing it to his wife.

"Coffee," Addison shuddered, warming her hands around the cup as she sank into one of the waiting chairs.

Alex pressed the button for his own coffee, bringing the cup over to sit beside her and drink it black.

"Where do we go from here?" he whispered.

Addison took a sip of the scalding hot liquid, relishing the burning sensation that filled her mouth before her tongue went numb. "I don't know," she admitted. "This is nothing I've ever done before."

"Me either." Setting his coffee down on the table, he folded his hands under his chin and leaned forward.

She draped a hand across his back and they sat together in silence, neither of them sure how to fill it.


	11. Never Coming Home

Izzie let herself into her house, dropping her purse onto the floor in the kitchen and trudging up the stairs as if her pumps were filled with lead. She stayed in the door for several seconds before entering; her mere presence being the thing that would disturb the illusion of her son coming home. It was neat and orderly, normal Doug. Nothing littered the floor, the books in the bookcase were alphabetized, and his gaming headphones were over a hook next to the computer.

Running her hand over the dust free desk, Izzie noticed the note addressed to her propped up in the keyboard and picked it up. Unfolding it slowly, she sank on to the bed as she began to read.

_Dear Mom,_

_By now, you probably know what happened. I may or may not be coming home. I don't really intend to. There's no place for me here. You might not have noticed this, but I don't really fit in. _

_I know that Dad thinks I'm a disappointment. Honestly, I've never done anything but try to please him. But nothing that I do is ever good enough. I feel like I've spent sixteen years wasting everybody's time._

_You have always loved me, Mom, and I know that. I love you too. I want you to know that none of this is your fault, so please don't blame yourself for any of it. This is something that I have to do. I have to let people know that I'm not ordinary, Mom, I have to go out with a bang, and leave my legacy. I have to do something extraordinary, and this is my moment; this is my something. I'm doing something so that when I'm gone, I will not be forgotten._

_Whatever happens, however today ends up, I'm not sorry for any of it. I would do it all again. They deserve it, every one of them, and I'm not sorry._

_I don't expect you to understand. I don't expect you to forgive me._

_I love you, Mom. I always will._

Izzie folded the note up almost robotically, and shoved it into her pants pocket. Letting herself fall back on the bed, she curled up in the blankets and buried her face in the pillow. Doug's scent was all over everything, and Izzie absorbed it into her very pores.

Her husband and her child were never coming home.

OoooooooooooO

Rummaging through her VHS tapes in the dark, Meredith pulled one out and put it in the VCR.

Sinking down on the couch in front of the fireplace, she watched as the television flickered on. She still didn't bother to turn on any of the lights, instead reaching up and pulling the blanket from the top of the couch down around her shoulders as the image of her son came up on the screen.

"Present!" the five year old Rich on the screen squealed, tearing into the wrapping paper surrounding one of his birthday presents. "Present!"

Meredith grabbed the remote and turned down the volume, reaching over to the end table and taking the portable phone off of the charger. She dialed the number that she knew by heart without looking at the buttons, and rested her head on the back of the couch. The phone balanced easily on her shoulder as she listened to the ring.

His new wife answered. "Hello?"

"Rose, it's Meredith," she said, biting her cheek to keep her voice from quivering. "I need to talk to Derek."

"Hang on one second, okay? He's downstairs."

Meredith listened as Rose went down the stairs, opening and shutting doors searching for Meredith's ex-husband. Rolling her neck back and forth across the back of the couch, Meredith ran everything through her head and tried to figure out what she wanted to say.

"Derek, it's Meredith," she heard Rose say through the receiver.

"Meredith," he said politely, rustling fabric as he took the phone from his wife. "What's up?"

"Hi," she answered, unsure of what else to say.

"Hi," he replied, puzzled. "Is everything okay?"

Despite her best efforts, Meredith realized that she was starting to cry. "No, Derek, something…Something happened."

After several seconds, he responded, "What? What happened?"

Meredith drew her knees up to her chest, pressing a pillow against her mouth to keep herself from hysterics.

"Meredith? Are you there?"

"Yeah," she managed to choke out.

"Is it Rich? Did something happen to Rich?"

"He's…gone," Meredith whispered, wiping furiously at her cheeks with the sleeves of her sweater. "He's gone."

"What do you mean gone? Where did he go?"

"He's…gone, Derek. He's…" Meredith sighed deeply, wishing with all of her heart that her ex-husband would be the type who would have watched the news. "He's dead, Derek. He died."

"What? What are you talking about?"

Meredith was freely crying again as she answered, "There was a shooting at the high school today. He was…killed."

"What?" he asked again, and Meredith could tell by the tone of his voice that he had started to cry too. "How…"

"It was Doug. Doug O' Malley. He brought…it to school. He wanted to use it on his father, I…"

"Oh, man, Meredith, this isn't happening. Please tell me this is a joke, tell me this isn't happening," Derek's voice shook slightly.

"They keep calling him a hero, and I keep saying that…that doesn't make it any better that I'm home and I'm sitting here and…he's never coming back," Meredith sobbed. "He's really gone, Derek, he's really gone…"

She heard a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line, and then Derek said, "I'm coming. I'll pack up some stuff and I'll come out there to help."

"I don't know what you can do," Meredith whispered. "He's not coming back. You can't bring him back. You can't…"

"You shouldn't have to plan things alone," Derek interrupted. "I'm coming up to help you. Don't argue, okay? For once? Let's just not argue. Not today."

"Okay," she answered, folding over so that she was lying across the couch twisted up in the blanket.

"I should be able to be there tomorrow," Derek said.

Meredith buried her face in the back of the couch.

"Meredith?"

"Okay," she said, muffled by the couch. "Okay."


	12. Why Didn't You See?

_Lanie leaned her head against the window of the bus, waiting for the driver to pull away. As her the bus moved on down the road, her head started bouncing against the glass and she sat up straight again. _

_At the next stop, Doug got on the bus. "Hi," he said, sitting down next to her._

_"Hi," she said, looking back out the window._

_"Hey loser," the boy behind them said, popping up over the seat to hit Doug in the side of the head._

_"Leave him alone!" Lanie snapped._

_"You going to make me?" the boy taunted. "Letting your little girlfriend fight your battles for you?"_

_"She's not my girlfriend," Doug insisted, wrapping his arms around his backpack as he stubbornly faced the front of the bus. _

_"I'm not his girlfriend," Lanie agreed quietly._

_"Whatcha got for lunch today, Dougie?" the boy asked, snatching Doug's backpack right out of his lap. Undoing the zipper, the boy rummaged through the contents. "Nothing good," he said, shoving it out the window._

_Lanie watched out the window as the backpack hit the ground and bounced once before coming to a stop. All of Doug's things spilled out into oncoming traffic. She turned to look at Doug, but he wouldn't look back at her._

_Wrapping his arms around his middle, he whispered, "I didn't even bring a lunch," before drawing his knees up to his chest and burying his face._

OoooooooooooooooO

Lanie sat up in bed, looking around the hospital room.

"Hi," Addison whispered.

"Hi," she answered quietly.

"How are you feeling?" Addison asked, scooting her chair closer to her bed.

She shook her head. "I keep seeing him," she said as a solitary tear trickled down her cheek. I was kneeling right next to him, I reached out to touch him, and…I just…I feel sick," she whispered as her face turned a ghostly shade of white.

Addison grabbed the garbage can from the bed and got it in front of Lanie just as she started to gag. Her fingers clutched the sides of the can as she fought throwing up, continuing to gag and trying to choke it back.

Tears streamed down Lanie's face as Addison crawled into bed behind her, wrapping her legs around her and helping her to sit up. "It's okay," she whispered, putting her hands over Lanie's to help her hold the little can.

Lanie gave in, her face nearly disappearing into the can as she retched violently, repeatedly upending her stomach. Lifting her head, she leaned back as she gasped for air, her face a mixture of sweat and tears. "Mom," she moaned, before gripping the edge of the garbage and vomiting again.

Addison held her hair back, laying Lanie's head down on her shoulder as the horrible retching finally ceased. "Oh, sweetheart," Addison murmured, cupping her head in her hand. Shimmying down along the bed, Addison laid her head on the pillow and let Lanie settle in beside her.

Lanie fell asleep like that, in her mother's arms, and Addison held on to her as tightly as she could. Addison prayed that if she held her daughter tightly enough, she could take all of the pain away.

OoooooooooooooO

Izzie walked down to the garage, turning on the fluorescent light above what used to be George's tool desk. Bending down, she dragged out the giant red toolbox and tipped it over, spilling the contents across the garage floor. The hammer that she was searching for was right on top, and she snatched it up, testing the feel of its weight. Wandering absently out of the garage, she left the light on and the door open.

As she walked up the stairs, Izzie let the claw of the hammer drag against the railing. Drifting into Doug's room, she felt herself heft the hammer almost as if she watching somebody else. Izzie drove the hammer into Doug's desk again and again, hitting it until the wood splintered. Her next target was the computer monitor, and she gave it a well-placed strike in the middle, causing it to fall amongst the wood debris. Whirling around, she sent the hammer flying into Doug's mirror, watching as a spider web of cracks made it's way across her reflection. "I hate you!" she screamed at herself as she reared back to strike the reflection again. Tightening her grip on the handle, Izzie drove the hammer into the glass again, and the shards went scattering across the floor. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! Why didn't you notice? Why didn't you do something? Why didn't you see?"

Spinning around, she threw the hammer at the wall, ripping open the closet door as it bounced to the ground. She yanked out hangers and threw the clothes all over the room, ripping and tearing at what she could, and tossing away what she couldn't. "You should have seen it!"

Izzie felt like she was floating, watching as all of the fight left her body and she sank down among the glass on the floor. She saw herself picking up one of the bigger shards of glass and staring at it, but she couldn't make her hand let it go. Letting it fall into her palm, she squeezed her hand shut as tightly as she could.

As she watched the blood leak out around her closed fingers, Izzie felt the start of tears trickling down her cheeks. "No," she whispered furiously, swiping them away with her free hand. "You can't cry," she told herself. "You don't have that right." Squeezing down harder, she watched from above as her hand started shaking uncontrollably.

When Izzie opened her hand, she caught the glass in her free hand as it fell, and let her injured hand bleed openly. Poking at the sharpest corner with the tip of another finger, she twirled it around and around in her hand, making a tiny circle of cracks to match the gash in her right hand. "I think I know why he wanted to die…" she murmured. She watched from above as the dug the glass into her hand, uncertain of her ability to stop herself.


	13. She's My Best Friend

Addison pulled the car out the hospital parking lot carefully, aware of her husband holding her semi-panicky daughter in the backseat. "What was that?" Lanie asked, looking around frantically with widened eyes.

"It was just a car backfiring, Lanie," Alex said.

"Oh," she said, settling back against the seat.

"It's only a couple of minutes until we get home, we're less than a mile away," Addison contributed from the front, making the right hand turn that would take them towards home.

"Oh," Lanie repeated.

The three of them were silent until the car pulled into the driveway. "I'll go get the door," Addison said. She unbuckled her seatbelt and ran up to the front door, propping it open. Alex helped Lanie out of the car, draping one of her arms across his shoulders so that he was supporting all her weight as they walked into the house.

Addison closed the front door, dropping her purse on the couch and watching as Alex carefully helped Lanie up the stairs. She crossed into the kitchen and rummaged around in the cupboard, coming up with some teabags. Getting the container she used to heat water, she filled it from the filter in the sink and put it in the microwave. Unwrapping the tea bags, she draped them over three mugs, and she grabbed the sugar and honey off of the table.

The microwave beeped, and Addison took the hot water and poured some into each of the mugs. She was setting it all up on a nice tray when the phone rang.

"Hello?" Alex answered, grabbing the extension at the top of the stairs. After a pause he said, "Yeah, she is, but do you really think now is…" Another pause, and he reluctantly said, "Okay, okay, hang on." He walked down the stairs, putting the receiver in my hand. "It's Doctor Thade. She wants to talk to you."

"Hello?" she answered, pinning the receiver to her shoulder as she put the hot container down in the sink.

"Listen, Addison," Dr. Thade said hesitantly. "I didn't have anyone else to call."

Addison pulled out one of the chairs at the kitchen table, sitting down. "I just brought my daughter home, Dr. Thade, I think this is a…"

"Izzie tried to commit suicide. We have her here now, we're fixing her up. She has…She doesn't have any next of kin anymore, and…"

"What do you want from me right now?" Addison sighed. "Seriously?"

"There isn't anybody else I can really call, I just…She needs a friend, Addison."

_"Addison? Look at me," Izzie said._

_Addison dug her fingers into the cotton sheet underneath her as another contraction ripped through her abdomen. Whimpering softly, she struggled against the pain as all of the breath sucked out of her body, and tucked her chin down against her chest._

_"Look at me!" Izzie commanded, lifting her chin and forcing Addison to look into her eyes._

_"I can't," Addison whispered. "I can't."_

_"I'm sorry Alex isn't here. I'm sorry that I'm not your first pick to be holding your hand, I know that you wish he could make it. But Alex is in New York, and I'm here. I'm your best friend, Addison. We can do this. This baby is coming now. Let me help."_

_She scooped up Addison's hand, and Addison clenched her fingers as tightly as she could. "I'm scared," Addison answered._

_"I know, sweetie." Izzie took a damp washcloth and wiped the sweat off of her brow. "I know."_

_The doctor got back down into position below the stirrups. "When the next contraction comes, Addison, you need to push, okay?"_

_Addison shook her head rapidly. "No, I can't."_

_Izzie knelt on the bed beside Addison, holding her head against her chest and whispering into Addison's ear, "Honey, you have to. If you don't push, the baby's going to go into distress, and that's not going to be good for either one of you. You've delivered hundreds of babies, you know this, you can do this. I know you wanted Alex to be here, I know you're scared…I know, I know…but you can do this."_

_"I changed my mind," Addison sobbed quietly. "I changed my mind, I don't want to have a baby anymore. I want to take it back."_

_A stab of pressure struck Addison's back, working around towards the front in waves as another contraction took over. The pain was so intense, she barely noticed anything in the room until it let me go._

_"They're a minute apart. You need to push, Addison. You have to push."_

_Addison leaned back against the pillow, covered in sweat, and too tired to fight when Izzie crawled up behind her. Drawing Addison's head back so it was resting on Izzie's shoulder, she reached around to grab both of Addison's hands in each of hers. "When the next one hits, you squeeze. Don't worry about hurting me; I'm tough. Just squeeze as hard as you can, and push."_

_Nodding weakly, Addison steeled her back against Izzie and let the next contraction wash over her. _

_"Here it comes," the doctor said. "One more big push."_

_Addison responded as the doctor asked, pushing down and squeezing Izzie's fingers until she was sure they would snap._

_"And it's…a girl!" the doctor cried triumphantly. "It's a girl!"_

_"Thank you,"Addison whispered to Izzie as the doctor cut the cord. "Thank you."_

"Addison?" Dr. Thade asked, breaking into her thoughts.

"Sorry," Addison answered, shaking the memory off. "Look, I'll be there. I just need to tell Alex I'm going."

"Okay. Thank you, Addison," she answered, hanging up.

"You're welcome," she whispered to the dead air.

"You're leaving?" Alex asked.

Addison started, whirling around. "You scared me. But…yeah."

"You're leaving?" he asked again, searching for more of an explanation.

"It's Iz…" Addison said by way of explanation, unsure if she should finish the sentence.

"What happened?"

"Suicide attempt," Addison answered. She felt the oomph fade from her body, almost as if she had no more bones. Alex rushed around her and got a chair beneath her just in time for Addison to sink into it. "She tried to kill herself…" Addison whispered.

Alex was obviously wrestling with the thoughts in his head as he responded, "I'm sorry."

"Are you?" she snapped, laying her head down on the table. "Really?"

Placing his hands on her back, Alex lightly massaged Addison's shoulders. "Honestly?"

"Yeah," Addison mumbled into her shirt sleeve. "I'm having a really hard time, Alex, I just don't know what to…"

"Part of me wants to be," he broke in.

"Sorry?" she questioned.

"Angry," Alex corrected. "I mean…"

"It's very hard to separate things," Addison finished, sitting up so that Alex could wrap his arms around her shoulders.

"That's what I'm saying. I feel sorry for Izzie, but…I want someone to be angry at, and I really have to fight to keep it all separate."

"She's my best friend, Alex."

"I know. Lanie's asleep right now. You could go to the hospital, see Izzie, and be back before Lanie even wakes up."

Addison squeezed his hand, giving him a light peck on the cheek when she stood up to get her jacket. "Can I do this?" she asked him quietly.

"You're the best one for it that I know," Alex answered.

OoooooooooooooooO

"She's in there," Dr. Thade said. "They stitched her up down in the ER, but she hasn't said a single word since she came in. We moved her up here."

Izzie's eyes were focused on something unseen in the ceiling when Addison entered the room. White bandages encased both of her wrists, and the palms of her hands were also wrapped. Addison perched on the edge of the bed, unsure of what to say. She had to figure out how to separate her best friend from the acts that her son had committed.

"Hi," Addison whispered, wanting to reach for Izzie's hand but holding herself back.

She gave no indication that she heard anything; just continued staring straight up.

"Izzie…" Addison hesitated. "I'm sorry."

Izzie still didn't move. Addison reached over, gently tracing a line across her cheek. "It's okay if you don't want to talk. I can talk." As Addison reached deep inside herself, thinking back to earlier, she suddenly knew what to say.

"When I was having Lanie…Alex was stuck in New York with a transplant team, and you were there for me. Do you remember?"

Izzie's eyes didn't move. There was no answer.

"I was so scared. I didn't want to push; I didn't want to do anything. Heck, I didn't even want to have her anymore…I was just that terrified."

Izzie still didn't move a muscle. She hardly even seemed to blink.

"You took my hand and you let me squeeze the crap out of it, remember? You told me that we would get through it, because we were best friends. Do you remember that, Izzie?

A single tear trickled down Izzie's cheek, but she still wouldn't look at Addison, and she didn't move at all.

Addison reached up again and gently wiped away the tear. "You're aren't him, sweetheart. I know that it hurts, but you didn't make his decisions. None of it is your fault. And I know you feel alone right now, but you aren't. I'm here, I will be here."

Several more tears streamed down Izzie's cheeks as she bit her lip, struggling to control herself as she slowly looked at Addison.

"There you go," Addison said quietly. "See? I'm here. And I'd hold your hand, but I'm not sure that's a good idea right now."

Izzie reached out slowly with her left hand, the tips of her fingers sticking out of the bandage. She curled around Addison's hand slowly, wincing at the pain the action cost her.

"When it hits," Addison whispered, "just squeeze. Don't worry about hurting me; I'm tough. Just squeeze as hard as you can, okay?"

Izzie nodded slowly, her fingertips clutching at Addison's hand the best that could around the bandage. "You don't have to do this," she said, seeming surprised by the sound of her own voice.

"Yes, I do," Addison answered.

"I am so sorry, Addie," she said, so quietly that Addison could barely understand her. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't need to be," Addison replied, reminding herself of her deep friendship with this woman, and fighting inside herelf against all of her anger. _This is your best friend. She can't help what her son did. She's not to blame for it. She needs you._

"But I am."

Addison sat silently beside the bed, stroking the tips of Izzie's fingers until she fell back asleep.


	14. They're Calling Him A Hero

Meredith was lying across the couch in the same position she had been when she hung up the phone, the receiver still clutched in her hand. When the doorbell rang, she rolled over slightly, noting the sunlight streaming in the window. She couldn't remember whether or not she had slept. The last thing that came to her mind was hanging up the phone.

"Come in," she called, but her dry throat made her call weaker than she wanted. Drawing the blanket around her body, she tried to sit up, but she realized absently that she was shaking horribly. As she tried again to push herself up, the door swung open.

Derek came in, with Rose close behind carrying a large duffel bag.

Meredith shielded her eyes against the light. "Hey," she whispered.

"I remembered where the spare key was," Derek said, taking off his jacket and draping it over the chair by the door. "I was afraid you would be sleeping."

Shaking her head mutely, Meredith realized she was blatantly staring at Rose.

"Where can I put this?" Rose asked, holding up the duffel bag.

"The spare bedroom," Meredith answered.

"Up the stairs, the second door on the right," Derek clarified.

"Okay," Rose said, giving Derek a squeeze on the shoulder. "I'll give you guys some time alone."

Meredith sank back into the couch cushions, her head swimming as Derek sat gingerly beside her. "You came," she said quietly.

"I said I would," he calmly replied. "How are you…holding up?"

She shook her head mutely. "I'm not sure…I don't remember sleeping. I think I just laid here all night, I don't know."

He took the receiver off of the cushion next to them and put it back in the charger. Rose bustled past them, moving into the kitchen and continuing to give them some space.

"I'm not sure what to do now," Meredith said, pulling her knees up to her chest underneath the blanket.

"I don't think this is something that anybody's prepared for."

"I guess…" she answered, her voice trailing off at the end. "Just sitting here…it still feels like he's going to come down the stairs any minute, you know?"

Derek hung his head slightly, afraid to look at her. "I just…I wish I would have spent more time with him, I…"

"I wish that too," she interrupted.

"When was the last time you saw him?" Derek asked.

"Waking him up for school yesterday. The last thing I said to him was will do. Will do. I mean, if I would have known, I…"

"You couldn't have known," he broke in gently. "There's no way that you could have known what was going to happen."

After several minutes of silence, Derek noticed her shivering. "Are you cold?" he asked.

Meredith nodded. "I can't shake it out of me; it goes all the way down to my bones."

Getting up off the couch, Derek put a couple of logs in the fireplace and carefully started a fire. Sitting down on the rug in front of the flames, he gestured to Meredith to follow. Drawing the blanket even tighter around herself, she slid off the couch and down to the floor, finding her legs to be too shaky to provide support. She scooted over next to Derek, her body welcoming the warmth from his fire.

"They're calling him a hero, did you know that?"

"That's what you said," Derek replied.

"A hero. As if that makes it better," Meredith said bitterly.

"What…Did they tell you…"

She nodded slowly, biting down on her lip. Thinking about her son's last minutes made her stomach churn slightly, but she said, "Just what the other students said."

Derek stared straight into the fire, giving her time to pull her self together and continue.

"He and Lanie…you remember Lanie?"

"Yeah."

"He and Lanie went to the cafeteria with another girl. I guess Lanie was introducing them or something. There were a couple of explosions…" She paused, taking care to take deep breaths as she thought about the fear her son would have felt during the explosions. "They heard the shots out in the hall, but when they tried to get out, the door was chained." She struggled to keep breathing, and was dimly aware of Derek reaching out to touch her.

"It's okay, Meredith, you don't…"

She shook off his hand, trying to cycle her breathing like she would tell any patient having a panic attack. "He…he led them into the backroom. When Doug came in, he grabbed Lanie and pulled her out into the main room to be a lookout, jamming the rifle into her back. When Doug tried to bring her back, Rich jumped him." Meredith looked up at Derek, her eyes filling with tears. "Rich jumped him and knocked the rifle out of his hands, but Doug had another gun in his boot, and he…he…"

Meredith was gasping for breath by the time she finished, tears streaming down her face as she rocked back and forth. She was no longer able to concentrate enough to focus her breathing, and realized in the back of her head that it was mildly out of control.

"Meredith," Derek whispered, reaching out to smooth her hair behind her ear. "It's okay, you're okay. You have to breathe, okay?"

She shook her head violently, skittering away until her back was pressed against the couch. Burying her head in the blanket, she wheezed desperately, gasping for oxygen.

"Meredith," Derek crawled over to her, extending a hand cautiously. "Try to take a deep breath and hold it, okay? You have to try. You're hyperventilating; you're going to pass out."

Meredith looked around the room wildly, her hands shaking as her teeth and fingers started to lose feeling from lack of air.

"Hey," Derek said, snapping his fingers in front of her face. "Focus on me. Focus on me, instead. You can do this."

She sucked in air desperately, the blanket falling away as she clawed at her throat.

"What's going on?" Rose asked, sticking her head out of the kitchen.

"She's having a panic attack. I need something for her to breathe in, a paper bag or something, quick. Before she passes out."

Meredith curled in a ball on the floor, dizzy, but unable to stop her frantic breathing.

"Here," Rose said, rushing back into the room and handing Derek a small lunch sack.

Derek tried to place it in Meredith's hands, but she was shaking too badly. Wrapping his arms around her frail body, he lifted her up and held the bag to her lips himself. "Breathe into the bag," he instructed. "Keep breathing into the bag, it will help slow your breathing."

Meredith leaned heavily into Derek's arms, too exhausted to sit up on her own. After breathing for a few minutes into the bag, she felt her breathing return to something close to normal. Derek pulled away the bag, and she continued to breathe regularly. "There you go," he said. "That's a little better."

Derek scooped Meredith up, laying her back down on the couch.

Rose came up behind them. "I brought a glass of water," she said, putting it down on the nightstand with a straw inside. "I found a straw, I wasn't sure if she could sit up."

Derek held it out to Meredith, who grabbed for the straw gratefully. As soon as the water hit her stomach though, it started to churn again, and she had to bite down quickly on the inside of her mouth to keep from getting sick. Gripping the top of the couch, she pulled herself into a sitting position and focused on not falling over as the entire room spun.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked.

She shook her head, realizing that her stomach was not going to make it. Rising on shaky legs, she crashed into the table and sent the water flying.

"Where are you going?" Derek asked, alarmed. He reached out a hand for her, but she shook him off and stumbled into the bathroom right down the hall.

Slamming the bathroom door, Meredith locked it behind her and collapsed to her knees. She barely made it to the toilet before the water and all the other pitiful contents of her stomach were coming up into the bowl. After the first wave, she wiped her mouth and tried to lean back against the wall.

The nausea came again, and she was retching so hard this time that her head was practically in the bowl. There was nothing else in her stomach to come up, but every time the heaving stopped, she thought of Rich again, and every time Rich came into her head, the dry heaves came back. Each bout was worst than the last, and she realized she couldn't go very far away from the toilet.

There was a light knocking on the door as Meredith leaned her head on the porcelain seat, relishing the coolness against her sweaty forehead. "Are you all right?" Derek called.

Meredith tried to answer, but her throat was burning, and the dry heaves came again. She vomited repeatedly, and even though nothing would come up, the heaving wouldn't stop.

The door rattled as someone outside played with the lock. It popped open slightly, and Rose slipped inside. "I thought it might be better if it was a woman coming in," she whispered.

Meredith lifted her head slightly, the room spinning in random circles as she gripped tightly at the sides of the toilet. Rose walked over to sink and wet a hand towel, kneeling down beside Meredith. She willed her body to obey in front of her husband's new wife, but the thoughts of Rich overwhelmed her again.

"It's okay," Rose said quietly, seeming to understand.

Meredith started gagging again, and put her head down into the bowl, heaving more violently than the last time even though still nothing was coming up. There a brief reprieve, and Rose held her hair back, wiping away some of the sweat with the towel before laying it on the back of her neck. At the cool feeling, Meredith started gagging again, retching as if there was something inside her that she desperately needed to get out.

When the heaving ceased for what seemed to be the final time, Meredith was once again shaking so badly that she couldn't hold her head up. Rose leaned back against the wall, drawing Meredith towards her. Laying Meredith's head down in her lap, she produced another towel that Meredith didn't even realize she had. She cleaned Meredith's face with a gentle touch before discarding the towel and rubbing her hand in small circles on Meredith's back.

"I lost someone too, once. My little boy," Rose said, so softly that Meredith almost didn't hear it. "I know how it feels."

Meredith nodded, her body too drained from being sick to do anything more.

"Let's just stay in here for a little while, hon, and make sure you're okay, all right?"

Meredith nodded again, closing her eyes and giving in to the exhaustion


	15. I Loved Him

Lanie was sitting up in bed, the dark circles under her eyes standing out in stark contrast to the paleness of her skin. "Hey there," Addison said, sitting down on the edge of her bed.

"Hi, Mom," she answered, putting aside the notebook that she was writing in.

"What are you writing about?" Addison asked gently, hoping she would realize that she wasn't trying to pry.

"What I…remember," she answered hesitantly.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Addison offered.

Lanie looked at her mother, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "I do…but I don't know if I can."

"Okay," Addison answered. "It doesn't have to be today. It can be whenever. I just want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk."

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"You know I…I…I…I loved him, Mom." She chewed on her upper lip as a single tear fell off her cheek.

Addison could practically hear her heart breaking, and she wished with all of her power that it could be her own that was shattered instead of her daughter's. "I…Lanie, I wish I could make it go away," Addison said honestly. "I really do."

"I know, Mom. I'm just really sad," she said, embracing her and letting the tears bleed into her shirt. "I never got to tell him."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Addison murmured, unsure of what else to say.

"Me too, Mom. Me too," she answered, pulling away and laying her head down on the pillow.

Addison stood up, taking that to mean that she wanted to go to sleep. She was almost to the door when Lanie stopped her. "Mom?"

"Yeah?" Addison answered, turning around.

"Can you sit with me until I fall asleep?"

"Of course," Addison assured her, cutting across the room and sinking into the papazon next to Lanie's bed as her eyes drifted closed.

Lanie's breathing took on the deep quality of sleep, and Addison let her own eyes drift shut as well. It didn't take long before she drifted off to sleep.

_Lanie bent over her locker, pulling out her sixth grade math book. Swinging her backpack from behind her to under one arm, she shoved the book in and zipped it shut. _

_"Lanie?"_

_Lanie closed her eyes, the sound of his voice like nails on a chalkboard._

_"Can we talk?"_

_She turned around, staring into Doug's hopeful face. "I guess," she answered, leaning back against her locker._

_"I was wondering if…"_

_"What is it, Doug?" Lanie snapped, fighting impatience._

_"There's…a dance on Friday. I was wondering if…I was wondering if you wanted to go. To the dance. With me," he added the last part as almost an afterthought._

_Lanie shook her head slowly. "I can't. I already have plans…"_

_"What are you doing?" _

_She winced, she was sure visibly, as she said, "I have another date, Doug. I'm sorry."_

_"Oh," he whispered. "Okay, I guess, I…"_

_"What are you doing, nerd?" One of the older kids, an eighth grader, slammed his hand into the locker above Doug's head._

_"Just talking," Doug said, staring at the floor._

_The boy grabbed Doug's sweater and swung him around, shoving him into the opposite wall. Lanie realized she was shaking slightly, and took a couple of steps backwards along the locker wall._

_Spinning Doug around again, the boy slammed him to a stop right in front of Lanie._

_"Stop it," she whispered._

_"What was that?" he asked nastily._

_"Stop it!" she cried, a little more fiercely. "Just leave him alone, okay? He wasn't going anything to you."_

_"Don't," Doug hissed. "I can handle it."_

_The boy reached out and ripped Doug's glasses right off his nose. Dropping them to the linoleum floor, the boy stomped his boot down on top of them, shattering the lens into several pieces. "There," he said, an evil grin filling his face. "Now you don't have to watch your girlfriend save you anymore."_

Lanie sat bolt up right in bed, shaking off the dream. Addison was at her side in an instant, balancing on the edge of the bed. "What is it, sweetheart?"

She held her hands out in front of her, shaking them out almost frantically. "I had a dream about…Doug," she answered, her voice quivering slightly.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded. "It wasn't anything that bad…it was…Did you know he asked me out when we were in middle school?"

"You never told me," Addison responded, in awe, as she found herself wondering how many other things Lanie had never told her.

"There was this dumb dance," Lanie continued. "He asked me out, and I had another date. I think it was in…sixth grade. And then right after he asked me out, this older boy came up behind us and slammed him around into the lockers. He ruined Doug's glasses, crushed them under his boot."

"That's awful," she gasped.

"Yeah. Doug cried," Lanie replied sadly. "But that was middle school, you know? That was the way it was for some people…it just…happened."

"Oh," Addison said, pulling herself all the way up onto the bed. "Did anybody ever do anything like that to you?"

Lanie thought for a second, leaning her head back against the pillows on her headboard. Shaking her head, she answered, "Not really." After a second, she added, "Pretty much only when I was with Doug."

"You guys were good friends when you were younger."

"Yeah," she said wistfully. "I don't remember when it happened, but…At some point, we weren't really friends anymore." She started to cry again, and swiped at her cheeks with the edge of her comforter. "And here I go, crying again."

"It's okay to cry," Addison murmured.

"I know, Mom. You taught me that. I'm just sick of it."

Addison reached out and wiped away some of the tears.

"Mom?"

"What's up?" she answered.

"If I would have still been friends with him…do you think I could have stopped him from doing this?"

Addison closed her eyes, praying for the correct thing to say. "You can't think like that," she replied. "You can't change the past."

"I guess…" Lanie accepted, stretching back out on the bed and closing her eyes.

Addison sat beside her on the bed, stroking her hair until she fell back asleep.


	16. In the Paper

Derek stuck his head into the bathroom. "Is she okay?" he asked quietly.

"She's not feeling all that good," Rose answered. "But I think she's doing okay now. Could you maybe carry her upstairs for me?"

"Yeah," he said, bending down carefully and scooping Meredith up.

"Watch her head," Rose said, cupping a hand around the top of Meredith's head to keep it from banging on the door frame.

Derek walked up the stair carefully. He went through the door, and Rose ran ahead to peel the blankets back. Placing Meredith carefully on the bed, he pulled the covers up and tucked her in.

"I'm going to sit up here for a little while longer and make sure she's okay," Rose said, "and then I'll come down."

"All right," Derek said. "I'm going to go make some phone calls."

"Okay," Rose said, draping the afghan from the back of the corner armchair across her lap.

As Derek left the room, Rose leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes.

"What happened to your son?" Meredith asked, so quietly that Rose almost missed it.

Meredith's eyelids felt like they were weighted. She let them drift shut again as Rose talked.

"He was six. He had acute leukemia."

"I'm sorry," Meredith whispered.

"Me too," Rose answered. She got behind the armchair and pushed it closer to the bed, leaning over to wipe the sweat off of Meredith's face. "No more getting sick on me, okay?" she teased gently.

"Okay," Meredith readily agreed. "I'm definitely good with that."

"It gets easier."

"It can't," Meredith protested weakly.

"It does still hurt, every day. But every day, it gets a little easier. Every day, it hurts a tiny bit less."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes," Rose answered firmly. "I do."

"Okay," Meredith murmured.

"You need to get some rest," Rose said, but before the sentence was out of her mouth, Meredith was already asleep.

OooooooooooooooO

Meredith shuffled down the stairs to the kitchen the next morning, leaning on the railing the entire way to keep her balance.

"Hey," Derek said, looking up from the stove. "You up to eating?"

"Maybe just a little," she answered, folding her body into one of the dining chairs to give her legs a rest.

"One pancake?"

"That sounds good."

"We have to talk about stuff," Derek said hesitantly.

"I know," she said, taking the plate that he offered. Stabbing at the pancake with her fork, she repeated. "I know."

Rose appeared in the doorway, leaning against the frame and nibbling on a granola bar. "Maybe not today," she said, trying to gently guide the conversation.

"There's a memorial meeting…service…whatever you want to call it…at the big church down the road from the high school today," Meredith said, stirring a tiny piece of pancake into the syrup.

"Do you want to go?" Derek asked.

"Do you?" Meredith countered.

He nodded slightly. "Yeah, sort of. I think it would be nice."

Staring down at her plate, Meredith answered, "Maybe."

OooooooooooooooO

Addison knocked lightly on Lanie's door before pushing it open slightly.

"Hi," she said.

Lanie looked up from the notebook she was writing in. "Hey, Mom," she said, clipping the pen to the cover of the notebook and setting it aside.

"I made breakfast," Addison said, offering it as the only thing she could give to her daughter. "I thought maybe we could go downstairs and eat together?" Addison couldn't think of any other way to get her out of her room, and she didn't want Lanie to spend another whole day in there.

Pushing back the covers, Lanie slipped out of bed and pulled on her bathrobe. "Okay," she agreed, following her mother out of the room and down the stairs.

Addison pulled her chair out for her before sitting down in her own.

"Waffles," Lanie smiled slightly. It was the first Addison had seen anything even resembling a smile since the shootings. "You used to make these all the time when I was little, when you weren't gone as much." She picked up the syrup bottle and drowned the waffles in syrup just like she had done when she was smaller.

"Little waffle with your syrup?" Addison cracked.

"Of course," she answered. After a couple of bites, she asked, "Mom? Don't you have to go to work?"

"Not yet," Addison answered. "Not for a while yet."

"Oh," she answered. After eating for a couple more minutes, she reached out and pulled over the morning paper.

"Lanie," Addison said, alarmed, trying to grab it away before she could look at it.

"Mom," she snapped, pushing Addison's hand away. "It's okay! I want to see it." Unfolding the paper, she looked at the full color photo on the front page. "That's Mr. O' Malley. My homeroom teacher." Looking up at Addison, she asked, "He was Doug's father, right?"  
Addison nodded carefully. "Yes, he was."

"He was my teacher. It's still…hard to believe." Lanie pushed aside her now empty plate, pulling the paper closer. "Can we…can we go to this?" she asked, pointed at an article on the lower corner of the front page.

Addison scooted her chair over so that she could look at the page beside her.

"There's a memorial service today. I'd sort of like to go," Lanie said quietly, tracing the picture of her teacher with her fingers.

"Are you sure?" Addison questioned gently.

She nodded, staring down at the table. "It's not real yet," she answered, flipping open the paper to look at several more articles about the shootings on the inside. "I need…I need to go."

"Okay," Addison agreed, not want to push any further. "We can go."

"I should go get dressed then," she said, almost absently, pushing her chair back from the table.

"Do you want help?" Addison offered.

"Nah," she shook her head. "I've got it, I think." She started up the stairs, but stopped halfway to look back over her shoulder. "I'll call you if I need you."

"All right."


	17. I Should Have Done More

As Lanie and Addison walked up the steps of the church, they had to make their way through large clutches of teenagers. Addison kept one hand lightly on Lanie's elbow and let her lead the way. Several people said hi to her, but she kept on moving forward without really acknowledging anybody. They walked into the church sanctuary, and Lanie gestured up front at the large picture and floral arrangements. "Look," she whispered quietly.

"Do you want to go up closer?" Addison asked.

"I'm not sure yet," she replied. "Maybe…in a little while. Let's just sit for now, okay?"

They made their way down the aisle, taking seats about halfway towards the back.

"Addison," she heard someone say quietly.

Turning around to look over her shoulder, Addison shot quickly to her feet. "Meredith," she said, moving forward to give her a quick embrace. "You came."

"You act surprised," she answered, giving Addison a shaky smile.

Derek came up behind Meredith and gave her a nod. "Hello, Addison."

"Hello," she answered, unable to keep the astonishment off of her face.

"Can we sit by you?" Meredith asked. "I can't handle being up front."

"Of course, of course," Addison answered hurriedly, nudging Lanie to move down so that Meredith and Derek could sit on the aisle.

As they took their seats, Meredith whispered to Addison, "I wanted to come, I really did, but now that I'm here, I just…"

Addison reached out and took Meredith's hand without saying anything.

On the other side of Addison, Lanie said, "I know what you mean." Addison hadn't even realized that she had been listening.

Addison put her free arm around her daughter's shoulders, letting Lanie rest her head against her. Meredith stared dead ahead, her eyes seeming to drift back and forth among the floral arrangements and pictures. Blood shot lines streaked across the whites of her eyes, filled with tears that she hadn't yet, or couldn't, shed.

The principal of the high school stepped up to the microphone, and people around them took their seats. Without saying anything, he pulled out a small lighter and walked out in front of the mike, lighting each of the wicks on seventeen white candles. Lanie silently cried beside Addison as the candles were lit, and Addison squeezed her shoulder a little tighter. Meredith continued to stare dead ahead and made no motions at all.

The principal picked up several index cards off the small stand by the microphone. Taking a deep breath, he clutched them tightly in his hands before letting them fall to the floor. "I had a speech prepared," he whispered in the direction of the microphone. "I had a speech prepared, but it wouldn't do them justice."

Lanie shifted slightly, pulling a folded up piece of paper out of her pocket. When Addison looked over at her, she just shook her head.

"We are in the wake of a terrible tragedy. This is nothing that any of us have ever faced before, and nothing that any of us know how to face. We are making our way blindly right now, and the only way that we can make it through is if we do it together. We need to talk about our feelings with each other so that we can realize how not alone we are, and so that we can be there for each other. If anyone has anything that they would like to say, the microphone is open for you."

Lanie slipped out from under Addison, moving rapidly up to the microphone. Holding the mike with one hand, she held her piece of paper in the other. "We were studying this poem in our literature class, Rich and I. I thought of it the other day, when I was lying in my hospital bed. I was in that bed because…Rich…"

Lanie began to cry freely, and Addison fought the urge to get up and go to her, letting her stand on her own.

"I was in the bed…" she continued, "because Rich…I was alive…because Rich saved my life. And…he…he's gone now."

Derek bit down on his lower lip, so hard that he drew visible blood. Meredith tensed up beside them at the mention of her son's name, staring into her lap as she fought back against her tears.

"This poem made me think of Rich, and how strong he was," Lanie stuttered, "and…I'm just going to read it now…"

Addison let Meredith fold into her, and Meredith buried her face in Addison's shoulder.

Lanie's voice grew in strength as she read the words out loud. "In Flander's Field, the poppies blow.  Between the crosses row on row…"

Addison stared into the candles, letting the light from the flame burn into her eyes.

Meredith's shoulders began to shake silently as Lanie kept reading, and Addison rested the palm of her hand on the middle of Meredith's back, rubbing softly.

"Short days ago we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow," Lanie continued.

So smoothly Addison almost missed it, Derek reached out and placed a gentle hand on Meredith's knee.

Lanie finished the poem without fanfare. She folded the piece of paper back up and crammed it into her pocket, slipping around the line to come back to her seat.

"That was beautiful," Addison whispered to her daughter as the next student stepped up to the microphone.

"It fit," she answered simply.

The girl after Lanie in line began to speak, so softly that the microphone could barely pick her up. "My name is Jodi," she whispered. "I don't know a lot of you, and you probably don't know me. That's okay."

Addison racked her brain, trying to figure out who the girl was. As her fingers grasped the microphone stand and her sweatshirt sleeves slid back towards her elbows, she noticed the bandages covering her wrists. As she said the words, Addison figured out who she had to be.

"I was Doug's girlfriend. Like Doug, I was pretty much invisible. But I was okay with that. All of a sudden, I'm not invisible anymore."

There was buzzing around the room as the saddened group digested this bit of information. Some angry words were shot in the direction of the podium, and Jodi winced slightly, closing her eyes.

"I know that people wonder if I knew. I didn't. I thought that he broke up with me because…I did something wrong."

Lanie's shoulder grew tense as she drew back in her seat. "What is this?" she whispered.

"I…did," Jodi said quietly. "I did something…wrong. I should have been better for him, stronger, I should have known what to say, how to fix him…how to make it better…I should have seen this coming. And I didn't."

The principal stood up from his chair in the front row, coming up to stand behind Jodi. He seemed prepared to usher her away from the podium.

"I just want to tell you all that I'm sorry," Jodi finished. "That's really all I wanted to say. I just want you all to know how truly sorry I am."

Stepping away from the principal's extended arm, Jodi moved away from the mike and fled out one of the side doors.

Meredith pulled away from Addison and grabbed her coat off the back of the seat, pushing past Derek into the aisle and out the door. Derek closed his eyes, frown creases forming across his features, but he made no move to go after her.

_Gosh, Derek, _Addison thought, _you don't ever change, do you?_

"Mom," Lanie said quietly, "you should make sure she's okay."

Addison shook her head. "I don't want to leave you alone."

She grabbed her coat. "I said what I wanted to. I can wait in the car. You should go."

They gathered their things and moved quietly out of the sanctuary.


	18. Only the Wind

Meredith was sitting on the now empty front steps, her coat draped beside her. True to her word, Lanie kept walking and headed back to the car, giving the friends a few minutes alone.

Addison sat down on the steps beside Meredith, picking up her coat and laying it across her shoulders.

"Has it really only been…this is only the third day," Meredith murmured.

"It feels like forever," Addison answered.

"It has been forever," Meredith amended. "It's like being in hell. This is hell."

"Oh, sweetie, I…"

"I just want to cry," she broke in. "I just want to cry, but I can't cry anymore. I don't have anything left in me. At the end of the week, I'm going to bury my son, Addie. A parent's not supposed to outlive their child. It's not supposed to happen this way. I don't know how to go on without him."

"I don't think you really go on without him…" Addison hedged. "The memories will always be with you, no matter what."

She shook her head. "Not now, not yet. I can't think about him without feeling intensely sick. I've tried, and I can't."

"You'll get there. It takes time."

"Lanie…Lanie is a beautiful girl. And I love her with everything, but…looking at her, looking at all of the other kids…it reminds me that he's…Rich isn't coming back, ever."

"I'm sorry, Mer," Addison whispered. "I'm so sorry. I wish that I could do something more, but…"

"I know," she answered, drawing her coat tightly closed around her shoulders to brace against the slight wind.

"None of this feels real. If this were anything else…if it had been anybody else…Izzie would be here with us right now. It's still hard to absorb."

"I miss her," Meredith replied, quietly staring ahead. "But it would hurt too much to see her. She reminds me of…him. And…he reminds me of Rich."

"She understands," Addison answered, even though she wasn't sure that Izzie really did.

"It's just…that…When I got up this morning…Do you want to know what my first thought was?"

"What?" Addison asked, even though she was pretty sure that she had a good guess.  
"What to make Rich for breakfast. It's still not sinking in…like I'm waking up and starting that day, the day that it happened, over and over again. I don't know how to make that stop."

"It takes time," Addison replied, trying to shade the uncertainty from her voice. "It takes a lot of time."

"None of know how much time we have," Meredith argued gently. "We could die any day."

"You can't talk like that," Addison protested.

"It's true," she whispered.

They joined hands, sitting in the quiet on the church steps with only the wind rushing around them.


	19. With Your Heart

After taking Lanie home to Alex, Addison headed to the hospital to visit Izzie, not entirely understanding why she felt so drawn to do so.

Izzie was lying in her bed, facing the wall. Addison walked around the bed, pulling a chair up in front of her and watching as she slowly came awake. The wave of reality crashed into Izzie's waking self all at once, and she moaned Doug's name.

"Iz?" Addison reached out a gentle hand and tried to turn her face forward. "Izzie? It's me, Addison."

A solitary tear ran down Izzie's face, and Addison found herself crying right along with her friend. Her vision blurred through the tears as Izzie whispered, "What's…going on?"

Addison shook her head, choking on her words slightly as she answered, "There was an…an…incident, Iz, do you remember?"

Izzie buried her head in the pillow, shaking her head. "No. That was a dream, Addie. It was just a dream. I don't believe it; I can't believe it…I won't. It was a dream." Lifting her head slightly, she met Addison's eyes in search of reassurance that Addison wasn't able to give. "It was a dream," she said, not quite as certain. "You have to tell me it was a dream."

"Iz…"

Izzie rolled over so that she was flat on her back and lifted her shaking hands in front of her face, checking over the bandages. "It…It was all real, wasn't it?"

When she looked to Addison for confirmation, Addison nodded slowly. "Yes," she whispered.

Seeming to sink back into the pillow, Izzie's eyes grew very dark as they held on to unshed tears. "I keep going back in forth…I'm numb; I'm not, I…It's all…Where am I supposed to go?" she asked very quietly. "What am I supposed to do now?"

It was a lot stickier for Izzie, and Addison wasn't at all sure of what to say. "I don't think there are any easy answers."

"I loved him, Addie," she said, turning so that her words almost disappeared into the pillow. "I know that you might not understand that, but I did. And I tried to hate him…but I don't know how."

"You shouldn't have to hate your son," Addison answered quietly, even though she was pretty sure that she herself hated him.

"He took my husband."

"I know," Addison replied, for lack of any better words.

"He planned it, did you know that? After sitting down for breakfast with me that morning, after shoving a pop tart in his pocket…he went to school and shot all those people. He shot my husband. And then, as I stood there and watched, he told me he loved me while he shot himself in the head."

Addison was at a total loss for words. "I wish that I knew what to say to you."

"You don't have to say anything," she whispered bitterly. "There's nothing that you can say. I should have seen it coming, Addie, I should have seen it coming, and I didn't. Those kids are all dead because of me. This is all my fault."

"You can't possibly think that, Iz. This isn't your fault."

"I should have known. A mother is supposed to know everything about her child…and I missed this. I totally missed it."

"Iz…"

"Look…I know you mean well, but…I just want to be alone, okay?" She rolled back over so that she was facing the wall away from Addison without waiting for any response.

Addison grabbed her purse and coat and walked out the door.

OoooooooooooooooO

_"Mom?"_

_Meredith looked up from her book. "Yeah, Rich?"_

_"What happens to us when we die?"_

_Frowning slightly, Meredith folded down the corner of her book and set it aside. "Why…why are you asking me that?" she asked, taken aback that her thirteen year old would be having any concept of death._

_"I was just wondering," he answered innocently._

_"You have a lot of years yet," Meredith said, forcing the quiver out of her voice. "You will drive, and graduate high school, go to college, get married have kids. You don't need to worry about dying yet, honey, not for a lot of years."_

_"But how do you know that, Mom? How do you know?"_

As the phone rang again, breaking through Meredith's memories, she very calmly reached over and yanked the cord out of the receiver's base. The ringing ceased as she returned her gaze to the photo album in her lap.

"Derek should be back soon," Rose said as she came into the living room from the kitchen. "He went to…"

"I know," Meredith said softly, breaking in before Rose could finish. "I know where he is."

Rose sat down next to Meredith on the couch. "These are of your son?"

Meredith nodded, sliding the book over slightly so that Rose could see. "I was thinking maybe some photo murals for the funeral tomorrow…but there are so many."

She turned another page, and Rose pointed at one of the pictures. Rich was sitting on the edge of a dock, his feet hanging off into the water. "That one's nice."  
"Rich didn't like swimming," Meredith replied. "He only liked to get his feet wet."

"Ah," Rose answered.

"Rose? Your son…did you ever talk about where…what happens when we die?"

"A little bit," she answered. "We talked about heaven. But I was afraid of it…I kept thinking that I had more time. And then, one day, I…I didn't."  
"How did you make it stop hurting?"

"I didn't," Rose answered instantly. "It just…It's a little less every day."

"You keep promising that," Meredith said.

"Yes I do," Rose replied. "I believe it. I know it. I lived it, Meredith."

"How do I do this?" Meredith whispered, gesturing at the photo album. "How do I sum his life up in a couple of measly pictures?"  
"With your heart," Rose answered.


	20. A Parent Shouldn't Outlive Their Child

_"Maybe you're right," Derek said softly. "Maybe this isn't working."_

_Meredith sat down on the edge of their bed, folding her hands softly in her lap. "It hasn't been for a long time."_

_"So you're saying it's all my fault?"_

_"No," Meredith stuttered, "no, not at all, I just, I…"_

_"It's all my fault that you went and slept with somebody else?" Derek interrupted harshly._

_"I said I was sorry," Meredith whispered, unable to meet his eyes. _

_"You don't get to be sorry. You don't get to say sorry. You don't get to say anything at all. I don't owe you anything."_

_"You were never home!" Meredith screamed. "You were never here! What did you expect me to do, sit around and wait every day for you to decide that you loved me? And it's not like you were totally innocent either! You and Rose…"_

_"How dare you blame this on me?" Derek shot back. "You were the one who went and slept with somebody else, not me! I didn't make that decision for you! You did! You should have known that I loved you, I shouldn't have had to say it every day!"_

_"You never said it!" she cried. "You never said it!"_

_Derek sat down on the bed suddenly. "You're right," he admitted. "I didn't. But you could have come to me, you could have talked to me. You never even tried."_

_"You didn't want to listen," Meredith replied._

_Hooking his fingers through his belt loops, Derek studied the pattern on the carpeting._

_"You're just so angry, all the time. I couldn't bring anything to you, you never would have listened."_

_Derek's face was drawn with acceptance. "We're finished, aren't we?"_

_"For now," Meredith answered. "I think we both made some pretty bad choices."_

_"We did," Derek stated. "I…I'm sorry."_

_"I'm sorry too."_

The knock on the door broke into Meredith's thoughts.

"Meredith?" Addison asked.

She shook her head, crying too hard to answer.

"Come here," Addison said, pulling her up off the floor and onto the bed. "Talk to me."

"Derek's…gone," she bawled. "I…I didn't know what to wear…to…"

Addison picked up one of the dresses off the bed and carefully helped Meredith slip it over her head. "This one's perfect," she whispered.

Meredith nodded obediently, seemingly resigned.

OooooooooooooooO

Addison kept a firm grip on Meredith's elbow, steering her up the steps and into the church. People tried to reach out and talk to them, but Addison kept them at bay with her prickly gaze. Nobody would actually meet her eye. She wished that she could do more to protect her friend, but she found herself at a total loss for action. Pressing forward, she kept Meredith moving ahead and into the church.

The funeral home had done a beautiful job with everything. There were wonderful flower arrangements lining the pews, and a book of condolences at the church entrance. Derek was sitting in the front pew with Rose, and Lanie was a pew behind him with Alex. Addison kept her eyes on my feet, trying to avoid looking at the coffin that lay ahead, and trying not to imagine what it would be like if it was Lanie inside instead of Rich. Picturing her daughter's body made Addison's head buzz unsettlingly.

Meredith and Addison sat down in the front pew, right next to Derek. She kept a grip on Addison's left hand. Alex leaned forward to give Addison's shoulder a quick squeeze. Addison glanced at Lanie, meeting her eyes to check and make sure she was okay, and it was then that she felt Meredith's hand leave her grasp.

When Addison turned back around, Meredith had moved to the front of the room and was standing at the coffin. Alex and Addison both got to their feet at the same time, and made it to the coffin just as Meredith laid her body across the top. Both of them looked to Derek to see if he would go up front with her, but he made no move towards her.

Addison stepped up behind her friend, laying her hand across Meredith's on top of the wooden lid. "Mer? Are you okay?"

She shook her head, her fingers clutching at the lid and her breath coming in short gasps.

Addison gripped her face lightly under the chin and turned her to face away from the coffin. "You have to breathe, okay?"

Meredith nodded, letting go of the coffin and standing up, swaying slightly. Alex was right behind her, and he put an arm around her waist so that he could support her weight. "You okay?" he asked her as she leaned into him.

Meredith nodded again, and let Alex steer her back to the pew.

Addison sat down beside her, rubbing her knees in a manic circular motion. "It's okay, Mer, it's okay."

She clawed at her throat, ripping off the tiny cross necklace that she was wearing and throwing it to the floor. "No," she said hoarsely, "not really. A parent isn't supposed to outlive their child, remember?" She gripped Addison's hand so tightly that Addison's fingers turned white, all circulation draining away.

Addison looked around the church, everywhere and anywhere but the front. When the funeral began, Derek was nowhere to be found.


	21. Their Blood Is On Your Hands

Izzie was sitting in the chair in the corner of her room when Addison entered.

"Hi," she greeted Addison without turning away from the window.

"Hi," Addison answered, pulling up another chair so that she was sitting beside the window as well.

"They told me this morning that I could go home today."

"That's good, right?" Addison said encouragingly.

She hung her head so that her hair shielded her face from Addison's eyes. "I guess…I mean, I was happy for a minute, and then, I…" Looking up, she said, "I realized that I don't have much of a home left to go to. A family makes a home a home…and I don't have that anymore."

"I'm sorry," Addison whispered.

"Tell me about it," Izzie abruptly changed the subject.

"About what?" Addison gently prodded.

"The memorial service, the funeral, the burial…the others. Everything."

Addison shook her head slowly. "Iz, I…"

"What?"  
"The funerals that we went to…they were lovely. We had a hard time, but they were…very nice."

"George…?" she whispered, not daring to ask about Doug.

"There were no funerals for them, not yet anyway. George was talked about in several articles—they named him a hero for saving all the kids in his class, but…You can put that together when you get out. I can help," Addison offered.

Smiling weakly, Izzie drew her legs up underneath her in the chair. "I guess. It's just a lot."

"I know," Addison replied.

"The others…the kids…How many were there?"

"Iz, do you really…"  
"How many?" Izzie interrupted.

"Seventeen students, one teacher…and George."

She nodded slowly, her gaze drifted back out the window.

Addison reached out and gently grabbed up Izzie's hand. "Don't do this to yourself, Iz."

"Do what?" she asked absently.

"Feel guilty. You can't, honey. There was nothing you could have done."  
Izzie closed her eyes as she squeezed Addison's hand slightly. Just as suddenly as she tightened her grip, she was suddenly pulling away. "I wish…I wish that he would have killed me too."

"Iz-" Addison started to say.

"No," she snapped, her eyes suddenly deadlocked onto Addison's. "No. Why me? Why did I live? I should have died, Addie, I should have died, and all of those people are dead and I'm still here. It's not fair. It isn't fair."

"No," Addison agreed. "No, it's not. But you…This is survivor's guilt, Iz, you don't need to talk like that. I don't want to hear you talk like that."

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "Survivor's guilt?" she scoffed. "Because it's such a wonderful thing to survive, right?"

"Please don't talk like that," Addison whispered, feeling her face sadden despite her efforts to fight it.

"All those people…they died, Addison, they died. And I'm still here. What makes me so special that I'm still here, and they're not?"  
Addison shook her head. "I think…What Doug did, Iz, for the most part…I think it was random. But he loved you. He loved you with all of his heart, and you certainly can't feel bad that you survived while none of them did."

"You can't tell me what I can and can't feel," she retorted.

"I can tell you what I feel," Addison answered quietly. "I love Lanie with all of my heart, with every breath that I take…but when I see these other parents who've lost their children, when I see you…I almost…I feel badly that I still have her. Do you understand?"

Izzie nodded. "I guess."  
"Nobody blames you," Addison said softly.

"Yes, they do," she answered matter of factly. "I'm sure they do." Swallowing hard, she pulled herself up out of the chair and walked towards the door. "Can you…take me out of here?"

"Sure," Addison answered.

OooooooooooooooooO

"Are you sure you want to go to your house?" Addison asked as they turned down her street.

"I'm sure," Izzie affirmed. "I have things I need to do, things I…"

"Nothing that can't wait a little longer if you need it to," Addison pointed out.

"No," Izzie replied firmly. "No, I want to go home."

They pulled up into Izzie's driveway, and they walked up her front walk together.

"Addie," she whispered, her hand on Addison's elbow. The front door was slightly ajar.

"Let me go in first," Addison said, stepping in front of her friend.

Addison pushed open the front door, walking forward into Izzie's living room. Spray painted in bright red across her white wall were the words, "Their blood is on your hands. Someone needs to pay."

Izzie came up behind Addison, murmuring the words under her breath. "Nobody blames me, huh?"

Addison was at a total loss as to what to say, once again. "I…"  
"It's okay," she said, moving into the kitchen so she wouldn't have to look at the wall anymore. "I'll clean it up tomorrow."  
"Let me help you," Addison insisted.

"That's okay, " she said. "I can do it."

"But you shouldn't have to," Addison answered.

Her eyes glassed over slightly as she sat down at the kitchen table.

"Yeah…" she whispered. "Yeah…I do."


	22. An Unsteady Hand

Lanie, Alex and Addison sat around the kitchen table at dinner, the only sound being the forks and knives clanking against the plates. "How was your day?" Alex asked.

"We went to the memorial service," Lanie answered.

"How was it?"

"Fine," she said shortly. "It was fine." Pulling her napkin off her lap, she folded it next to her plate and pushed her chair back. "May I be excused?"

"Sure," Alex replied. As she disappeared up the stairs, he said, "How was it really?"

"It was okay. We didn't stay that long. Lanie actually went up to the microphone, I was surprised."

"And she was okay?" He set his fork down, leaning back in his chair.

"She was," Addison confirmed. "Doug's girlfriend came up to the mike after her, and we left after that."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "How was that?"

"It was…interesting. I feel sort of sorry for her. I just…"

"I understand." He picked up the dirty plates from the table and started rinsing them off in the sink.

Addison threw out her napkin, and went to the foot of the stairs. "I'm going to go up and just make sure she's okay. I'll be back."

Alex nodded as he grabbed the dish soap from under the sink.

OoooooooooooooooO

_It was dark as they lay on the rooftop, staring up into the sky. It was a darker dark than one would ever find in the city, and Lanie could pick out several stars that she never would have seen with her feet on the ground. "It's beautiful," she whispered, almost afraid to break into the reverie._

_"Lanie?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"You're beautiful."_

_She rolled over into Rich's arms, letting him fold her against his chest._

_"Say that again."_

_"You're beautiful," he said obediently. "Really."_

_"I love you," Lanie said softly._

_Rich put his hands gently on the sides of Lanie's face, sliding his fingers back so that they tangled in her long red hair. Resting his forehead against hers briefly, he then pulled back and sat up suddenly._

_"What?" she asked. "Did I do something wrong?"_

_He shook his head. "No, no, definitely not."_

_Frowning, she questioned, "Then what is it?"_

_Rich sighed. "As much as I want this…"_

_Lanie scooted forward slightly so that she could peer off the edge of the roof into the darkness. "You can't."_

_"Yeah. There's just…a lot of stuff right now. I don't want to be in any serious relationship until I'm sure I have my head on straight, you know?"_

_She nodded, even though she didn't._

_"A lot of kids our age make that mistake, they put relationships in front of what's really important. I don't want to be one of those kids."_

_"Me either," Lanie replied, knowing that's what Rich would want to hear._

_"So when we're older, maybe. But not now." Rich moved forward as well, so that he was sitting right beside her on the roof. _

_"That doesn't mean we can't be friends, right?" Lanie asked._

_"We did share blocks," Rich smiled. Taking off his jacket, he draped it over Lanie's shoulders. "If we can share well…we can be friends." _

_"Okay."_

_He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, stretching so that he could run his fingers through her hair. "But it won't be easy. I think I care about you too much."_

_"I know. Me too."_

_Rich drew her closer again, the signals that his body was sending her completely disagreeing with the words that were coming out of his mouth. _

_"Rich," she protested._

_"Don't say anything," he said, putting a finger to her lips. "Look, one time won't hurt. One time."_

_His lips melted into hers, and Lanie found all of her misgivings melting away right along with them. Lanie and Rich were so engrossed in each other that neither one of them saw Doug hanging back in the shadows of the roof entrance. _

OooooooooooooooooO

Lanie was standing in front of the mirror when Addison entered the room. Before Addison realized what she was doing, the scissors in her right hand that she must have been hiding in front of her body appeared.

"Lanie?" Addison asked, crossing rapidly to stand beside her daughter. "What are you doing?"

"Just stay away, Mom, let me do this," she snapped.

Holding up a hunk of her hair, bright red hair that was just like her mother's, she stuck it between the blades of the scissors and cut. As the foot long tail of hair fell to the floor, Addison noticed Lanie's hand starting to shake.

She bit down on her lip, trying not to cry, as she grabbed another chunk of hair to put between the blades. Her hands quivered as she struggled to grasp at the hair, and Addison reached out gently to cover her hand. "Can I help?"

Lanie shook her head furiously at first, but as she tried again and lost her grip on the hair again, she relented and surrendered the scissors.

Addison pulled up a chair. "Sit," she said, pointing down into the chair.

She sat in the chair without argument.

"Now," Addison asked, "what are you trying to do?"

"Cut it off," she answered simply. "All of it. I want to cut it all off."

"Okay," Addison agreed reluctantly. As much she hated to cut off her beautiful hair, Addison would rather do it herself with her steady surgeon's hands than have Lanie try to do it while shaking. As she started working her way around Lanie's head, cutting off hair at the same length as her original cut, Addison asked quietly, "May I ask why?"

After a minute or so, she answered, "Rich liked my hair. So it makes me sad now every time…When I brush it, or run my fingers through it, or…It reminds me of him."

"Okay," Addison answered, deciding not to push Lanie any further.

"I need to get rid of it," she continued. "I need to cut it off."

Addison cut the rest of the bigger chunks off in silence, before grabbing a smaller scissors off the dresser to do some trimming. "I'm sorry I'm not a hairstylist," she said.

"It's okay. Thanks for helping me. You didn't have to."

"Yes, I did," Addison answered matter of factly. "Of course I would."

Snipping at the ends of her hair in silence, Addison pulled away and let Lanie take in her work. "Thanks," she said again. "Mom?"

"Yeah?"

She shook her head slightly. "It's nothing. Never mind."

"What is it?" Addison frowned, putting down the scissors and leaning against the front of the dresser. "You can talk to me."

Lanie bit down on her lip, her eyes shifting slightly as she considered words. "Not yet, Mom, not about this." She stood up, walking towards the door. "Is it okay if I go out for a while?"

"Where?" Addison asked.

She shrugged, shaking her head. "I don't know. Just…out." Without waiting for an answer, she disappeared out the door.

Addison followed her down the stairs, reaching their base just as Lanie went out the back door.

"What was that all about?" Alex asked, looking up from where he was drying the dishes. "Was her hair shorter?"

"Yeah," Addison nodded. "She wanted to cut it off. I have no idea…I think it had something to do with Rich."

He raised an eyebrow slightly.

"She wanted to talk to me about something…but then, as suddenly as she brought it up, she didn't want to talk about it anymore."

"It'll come," Alex answered.

Addison came up behind him to help with the rest of the dishes, and as she picked up a second drying towel, she heard the car start up in the driveway. "Is that…"

"The car?" Alex finished.

Addison threw the towel back into the sink and ran through the house out the front door, just in time to see her daughter who did not have her license back the car crazily down the driveway and peel away.


	23. I Wish It Could Be That Simple

_Lanie walked into the pharmacy, wandering down the aisles in search of what she was looking for, too afraid to ask. 'Pregnancy tests', she thought, scanning through the merchandise on the shelves. 'There.' She reached out and pulled one off the shelf._

_Walking up to the counter, she put the box onto the counter face down. Sliding it to the cashier, she paid for it without saying a word and then took the bag back to the bench outside._

_"Nobody gets pregnant from just one time…right?" she whispered to no one in particular. _

_Lanie headed out of the lot, staring at the ground rather than at the space ahead of her, and ran smack into someone._

_"Hey," Doug said._

_"Hi," Lanie whispered, immediately shoving the bag behind her back._

_"What are you up to?"_

_She shook her head. "It's just snacks. In the bag. Just snacks."_

_"Okay," Doug answered, slightly puzzled. Abruptly changing the subject, he said, "Jodi and I broke up. Well…I broke up with her."_

_"I'm sorry," Lanie said, because she knew that she was supposed to feel sorry. In reality, she just wished that she could be at home in her room at that moment._

_Shaking his head, Doug said, "I still…have hope."_

_Lanie could feel her heart beating, almost as if it was about to pump out of her chest. "You and I…Doug…"_

_"Can we…Can we just hang out?"_

_"No," Lanie snapped, harsher than she meant to be. "No, we can't, Doug. We just can't."_

_"I…I love you."_

_Lanie closed her eyes, her fingers wrapped around the bag behind her back. There was no way that she could say those words back to him. She didn't feel even remotely the same way. "I'm sorry, Doug, I have to go now." Turning away, she walked in the opposite direction, ignoring his calls after her._

_Lanie walked home through the cold as fast as she could, wishing that she had thought to wear a heavier jacket. Imagining all of the different ways that she would tell Rich, should she have something to tell Rich, Lanie jogged the last couple of steps up the walkway and let herself into the house. Running up the stairs two at a time, she locked herself in the bathroom and threw her coat on the floor._

_Lanie pulled the test out of the bag and ripped open the box. It seemed simple enough. Two pink lines equals pregnant. One pink line equals not. Definitely simple enough. Pee on the stick and look for lines. She could handle it._

OooooooooooooooooooO

Alex pulled his car back up to the garage, and Addison ran out to meet him. "Did you find her?"

He shook his head as he slipped out the door of the car. "I looked everywhere. She didn't call?"

Addison put her face in her hands as she shook her head. "No. Not yet."

"What do we do now?" he asked. "Should we call the police?"

"She doesn't even know how to drive, Alex!" Addison snapped. "She doesn't know how to drive!"

As Addison started to cry, Alex put an arm around her shoulders and steered her back into the house. "We'll go inside and we'll call," he said gently. "We'll call."

Addison settled on the couch as he picked up the phone to dial, springing up when the there was a knock on the door. Yanking the door open, she was faced with two uniformed police officers on the front stoop.

"Mrs. Karev?"

"Alex," Addison gasped, the words barely coming out.

Alex came up behind her, and the phone fell to the floor as he opened his hand without thinking.

"Mr. and Mrs. Karev?" the officer said again. "There's been an accident."


	24. Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye

Jenna pushed through the halls of the hospital, searching frantically

Meredith pushed through the halls of the hospital, searching frantically. As she moved forward without looking, she bumped right into Izzie. "Hey," Meredith said, coming to a halt.

"Hi," Izzie replied. "Have you seen her yet?"

Meredith shook her head. "Not yet. I just got here." She stared down at the tile floor, unsure of how to meet her friend's eyes.

"There," Izzie pointed down the hall.

Alex gave Addison's hand a slight squeeze, and she looked up through her fingers as her friends came down the hall.

"Hi," Meredith said, kneeling down in front of Addison. "How are you holding up?"

Addison shook her head. "What are you doing here?" she asked the both of them. "Don't you guys have your own stuff to worry about?"

Izzie hung back by the wall with her arms folded across her chest as Meredith answered, "Honestly, it's nice to have something else to think about…if that makes sense."

Addison nodded slightly, looking down the hall to check for the doctor.

"So what do you know?" Izzie asked quietly, still hugging the wall.

"They won't tell us anything," Alex said, laying a hand on Addison's knee. "They won't tell us anything, and they won't let us in."

Izzie looked down the hall and then back to Addison. "They'll let me in. Let me go down and check things out."

Addison nodded without answering, laying her head on Alex's shoulder.

"What happened?" Meredith asked quietly.

"I don't know," Addison moaned, burying her head in Alex's sweater briefly before looking back at Meredith. "I thought…I don't know. I thought we were doing well. And then tonight, I went to talk to her in her room and she…she was hacking off her hair with a scissors. So I started to help her," Addison rambled, "and then she wanted to talk about something…but she couldn't. She…she wanted to leave. I let her go out the door, but then before either one of us realized it, she was in the car and peeling out the driveway."

"She doesn't drive yet, does she?"

Addison shook her head. "The police say she took a curve too quickly and flipped over. They say she rolled several times before coming to a stop. She had to be pried out of the vehicle. She wasn't conscious when they arrived…" Addison started to cry again as she continued, "I don't even know if she's woken up yet."

Meredith sat down on the floor in front of Addison's chair, looking up into her eyes. "She'll be okay," she said. "She'll be okay. She has to be."

Izzie came back out into the waiting area and crossed over to the group. "She's not awake," she said. "She hasn't woken up yet, and they are still examining her."

"What else?" Addison pushed.

"Someone will be out in a minute to talk to you," Izzie answered evasively.

"Iz…what?"

She shook her head as Dr. Thade came through the swinging doors.

"Hello, Addison," she said. "Alex."

Izzie and Meredith stepped back slightly to give them a small amount of privacy.

"Your daughter sustained some pretty seriously injuries, but she's stable now. She has a broken leg, a few cracked ribs, and a concussion. If you'd like, I can take you down to see her, but there are some things that we should discuss first."

"Okay," Alex answered. "Let's go."

The three of them walked down the hall through the swinging doors. Dr. Thade led them to her doorway. Addison looked through the window at her sleeping daughter as Dr. Thade said, "There's no really easy way to say this."

"Just say it," Addison whispered.

"I'm not sure if you knew this, but your daughter…She was pregnant."

Addison didn't realize she was falling until Alex and Dr. Thade both reached out and gently lowered her to the floor. "Put your head down between your knees," Alex said.

"I'm fine," Addison hissed, angrily brushing his hand away. "I'm fine."

"Put your head down," Dr. Thade ordered. She squatted down in front of Addison. "You've had a lot of stress the last several days, and if I know you at all, you probably haven't taken time to rest. So put your head down already."

"She _was_ pregnant?" Addison whispered. "Do you mean she's not now?"

"No, she's not anymore. She lost the baby."

"What happened?" Alex asked, joining them on the floor.

"She was wearing a seatbelt. We think that the pressure from that on her abdomen combined with the stress of the crash caused her to miscarry," Dr. Thade explained.

"Oh," Alex said. "Okay."

Addison lifted her head up from her knees slowly. "She hasn't woken up yet?" she questioned softly. "She doesn't know?"

Dr. Thade shook her head. "She hasn't regained consciousness yet. She's going up to the operating room shortly so we can put pins into her leg to mend the break."

"I want to see her," Addison said, putting her hand on the floor and struggling to swing herself upright.

"Let me help," Alex offered, holding out a hand. Addison took it and let him draw her to her feet. They walked into Lanie's room together.

"Hi, sweetheart," Addison whispered, sitting down on the edge of her bed. She took her hand, her head flooding with memories of doing the very same thing the day of the shooting.

Lanie stirred slightly, her head turning slowly towards Addison as her eyes cracked open. "Mom?" she whispered.

"Hi," Addison said, rubbing her hand gently on Lanie's forehead to push her bangs out of her eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Hurts," she answered, her eyes drifting closed again. "Everything hurts."

"I'm sorry," Addison whispered.

"Hi, princess." Alex came up on the other side of the bed.

"Hi, Daddy," she answered.

They all sat silent for several minutes, unsure of what to say. Lanie finally broke the silence. "I'm really sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry."

"For what, honey?"

"Everything," she answered.

"It's okay," Addison said. "Don't worry about it, sweetheart."

Lanie looked at Alex. "Daddy, can I talk…just to Mom?"

"Okay," he agreed. "I'll be out in the hall if you need me."

"What is it?" Addison asked gently as Alex disappeared.

"I have to tell you something," she whispered.

"Lanie…"

"I…" After thinking for a second, she rephrased her thought. "Did…did they tell you?"

"Tell me?" Addison asked.

"About the baby?"

Addison nodded slightly. "It would have been…better to hear it from you though."

"I know," Lanie answered weakly. "I'm sorry, Mom."

"It's okay," Addison answered. "Sweetie, look…" Addison turned away so Lanie wouldn't see tears streaming down her cheeks.

"What is it, Mom?" she asked, her voice trembling as if she as afraid to hear the answer.

"I don't know how to tell you this." Addison wiped the tears off her cheeks before turning back to her daughter again.

"Just say it," Lanie said, her voice a little stronger. "Like you're ripping off a band-aid. Just say it."

"Lanie…you were hurt pretty badly in the accident."

"Just say it," she repeated, her eyes filling up with tears.

"You…you lost the baby," Addison stuttered.

She nodded. "Okay," she said quietly, a couple of tears trailing down her cheeks.

Addison folded Lanie's hand into her. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely.

"It's okay," Lanie answered sadly. "I mean…maybe…I don't know."

"What?" Addison prodded gently.

"Maybe…maybe it's better…?" Lanie's voice trailed off and she stared off into space. "I mean…he's gone, you know? And…I just…It's sad, but…I'm sad…I…" She shook her head in frustration.

"Maybe this isn't the best time to ask this but…it…It was Rich's?"

She nodded silently.

"Did he know?"

"No," she replied, shaking her head again. "I never…got a chance to tell him."

"I'm sorry that you have to go through this," Addison said.

"Me too. You…you have no idea."

"You're right," Addison agreed. "I don't know what you're going through right now. But I do understand a little bit about pain."

Lanie tried to roll over slightly, wincing at the pressure that it put on her injuries. "What…?"

"You broke your leg in the accident," Addison supplied. "And a couple of ribs."

She closed her eyes, trying to stop the flow of tears. "This is…a lot." Opening her eyes again, she said, "I want to go home. Can I go home?" she asked hopefully.

"Not today," Addison answered. "You might have to stay here for a couple days."

Lanie began to sob openly. "No matter how hard I try, Mom, I can't run away from him…everything keeps coming back."

"It hasn't been that long, sweetheart," Addison tried to console her. "It's like anything else, it takes time."

"What if I…Mom, I…"

"What?" Addison asked.

"What if it never gets easier?"

"It does," she insisted.

"You don't know that," Lanie pointed out. "I loved him so much, Mom. I've tried so much…I've tried…to push it out, and I can't."

"You don't have to," Addison told her. "You just…some day…You will be able to accept it."

Her eyelids drooped with sleep. "Not today, though."

"Not today," Addison agreed as Lanie drifted off to sleep


	25. Things I'd Forgotten

Meredith and Izzie were sitting on opposite ends of the line of chairs when Addison came back out into the waiting area. "She's asleep," Addison said to Alex.

"That's good," he answered.

Addison sat down next to Alex.

"How'd she take it?" he asked.

Addison shrugged silently. "She was okay, I guess. As good as I could have expected."

Izzie got up from the chair she was sitting in, shrugging into her coat. "I'm going to go."

Addison felt her eyes flash, and the words were tumbling out of her mouth before she knew it. "You're leaving? Just like that, you're leaving? As if it's all better now? Well, it's not all better. And you know as well as I do that it's never going to be all better!"

"I think I better go too," Meredith said.

"You are supposed to be my friends. My friends," Addison repeated, the second time with more emphasis. "We were all friends. And something happens, and suddenly you throw it all away? Here's a news flash—friendship doesn't work that way."

Addison picked up her own coat and stomped through the doors and out into the hallway.

"Addison, wait!" Alex called, running after her.

Whirling on him, she cried, "I can not be the glue that holds everybody together anymore. I just can't. I need some support of my own!"

Alex drew her in to his chest as her tears became the size of gumdrops and trailed down her cheeks at random. They stood that way for a long time, and it took some time for it to click in Addison's head that Lanie had been taken for her surgery. She pulled away from Alex and began to pace up and down the hallway.

Reaching out for her, Alex placed his hands on Addison's shoulders to stop her constant motion. "Addison," he breathed in her ear. "Let's just sit down now, okay?"

"I'd rather not," Addison answered sullenly.

"Addie."

"No," she answered, shaking her head back and forth before he could say anything more. "Could you…could you go up to the gallery and watch the surgery?"  
"Addie," he protested. "She'll be okay. It's only a broken leg; it's nothing major. Just some pins. I don't think that I'm comfortable leaving you alone."

"I'll be fine. There are plenty of people here that I know, Alex, I'd just…I want to know that someone is watching over her."

He looked at her strangely. "You don't want to come, then?"  
Addison shook her head. "I don't think it's a good idea. I just need a little space."

"Okay," he agreed hesitantly, before turning around and taking the stairs up towards the operating room two at a time.

Addison sank down into one of the chairs, and Meredith materialized and planted herself in the chair next to her friend. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I didn't mean to make you upset. We didn't mean anything by it. It's just…"

"I know," Addison interrupted her. I just can't think about that right now. I can't think about any of it right now. I just…" Shaking her head, Addison whispered, "I can't be in the middle right now. I can't be the glue anymore."

Shaking Meredith's hand off, Addison got up and disappeared down the hallway.

OooooooooooooooO

_Meredith put her feet up on the coffee table, leaning her head back against the edge of the couch. Her fingers folded comfortably over her very round pregnant belly. "Do you think our babies will be friends?" she asked._

_Izzie shrugged, her hands caressing her own very pregnant belly. "Maybe."_

_"We could make them," Meredith laughed. " I mean, if they spend every minute of every day together, they have to be friendly, right?"_

_"You don't even know yet if yours is a boy or a girl," Izzie pointed out._

_"And I don't want to," Meredith rebutted. "It would ruin the surprise."_

_"You aren't even curious? I'd be going crazy if I didn't know he was a boy," she said, gesturing to her stomach. "George and I are buying everything boy right now, trying to get ready. I don't know how you do it not knowing."_

_"Neutral colors," Meredith insisted. "A godsend. Seriously."_

_"Seriously…can you imagine if both of us have boys? They could grow up together. They'll be built in friends, just like we were. It'll be amazing."_

_"If I have a girl, they could get married."_

_Izzie reached out and hit her lightly on the arm. "Thinking ahead much?"_

_"No," Meredith laughed, "not at all."_

OoooooooooooooooO

There was a knock on the door as Izzie sat on the sofa, watching television. She pulled it open slowly to find Meredith standing on the front stoop. "Hi," she said, too surprised to remember to open the door further.

"Hey, Iz," Meredith said quietly. "Can I…Can I come in?"

"Sure," Izzie answered hastily, pulling the door open further and then closing it as her friend entered.

Meredith wandered into the living room, almost bee lining to the fireplace and lifting a picture off of the mantle. "You still have this," she whispered, tracing over the photo with her fingertips.

"It was a long time ago," Izzie answered awkwardly.

"There aren't too many pictures of the three kids together." Meredith's finger came to a stop on her son's face, and she held it there for several seconds before putting the frame back down on the mantle. "It's nice," she said, trying to force a smile and failing.

"Why are you here?" Izzie asked quietly. "Not that I'm not happy to see you and everything, but…"

"Because it's been a long time. Because there were a lot of things that I'd forgotten."

"Oh," Izzie answered, confused. "Do you…Do you want to sit down?"

Meredith crossed to the couch and sat down without being led. "I've missed you," she started. "I've missed you, but it's been…"

"Hard?" Izzie prodded gently.

Meredith nodded. "A little. I mean, I know that…"  
"It's okay, Mer," Izzie interrupted. "I understand…it's been hard for me too."

Shaking her head quickly, Meredith spit out, "No, I didn't mean that it was harder for me than it was for you, I just…"  
"I understand, Mer," Izzie said again.

"Okay," Meredith said, sinking back against the couch. "Look…I…"

Izzie perched on the edge of one of the armchairs, afraid to say anything at all and risk ruining things.

Looking around the room, Meredith asked, "What happened to your walls? What is…"

Shrugging slightly, Izzie gestured at the wall. "People hate me for what my son did. Some days, even I hate me. Like you."

"I don't hate you, Iz," Meredith said quietly as tears sprang to her eyes. "I could never hate you. I just…I think that I needed someone to be angry at, and you were there."

"I don't condone what he did, and I never could. But he was my son, and no matter how much I may hate what he did, no matter how much I might not like him, I do love him, and I always will."

"I know," Meredith agreed. "I loved my son with all of my heart. But I can't…I can't put what your son did on you, because then I would be losing an incredible friend…and I need all the friends I can get right now to get through this."

"I do too," Izzie whispered. "I don't know how to get through this."

The woman hugged each other and sat that way for a very long time.


	26. Blink

One Month Later

Addison leaned her head back against her porch swing, settling into the cushion as she let her eyes slide shut. With her face tilted upwards, she could feel the wind as it rushed from one side of the porch to the other. "Why?" she whispered, letting the word wander off to no one in the breeze. "Why does God take some children and leave others behind. Why? How is that fair?"

"God doesn't take people. People do that all on their own."

The swing shifted as it adjusted to Alex's weight.

"God doesn't take people," he repeated.

"Some things you can't forget though," Addison said. "They're just too bad, or too deep. But if you can learn to see past them and move…I have to explain to my daughter every day why it is that she is still here, and her friends are not. I have to live with every day with the fact that my daughter is even still here, while the children of my best friends aren't. I have to be grateful for Lanie at the same time as I feel this overwhelming…guilt." After a breath, Addison continued, "It changed everything. How I view the world, myself, my friends…I haven't known how to act in a world where I have this kind of burden; this responsibility."

Alex draped his arm around Addison's shoulders and drew her in towards his chest. "I get it. I wish you didn't take it all on yourself, but I get it."

"I wish that we were all the way that we used to be, but…I don't think we can go back there. We can't ever have that time back."

"You're right," Alex whispered. "But it doesn't mean that you can't make…new…" He rolled his eyes, continuing, "I have no idea what I'm trying to say…Just…Why can't you still have a relationship, just…a different kind?"

"It's different now," Addison insisted stubbornly. "Harder."

"Since when do you quit trying just because something is hard?"

"I don't. I never have before."

"Exactly. So why start now?"

OooooooooooooooooooO

Izzie was sitting under the patio umbrella in her backyard, her gaze drifting off into space, when Meredith stuck her head over the back gate and called, "You mind if I let myself in?"

Shaking her head, Izzie reached out and took another sip of her lemonade.

"I've started going back to work," Meredith said.

"I haven't been ready yet," Izzie replied. "I might not."

"It's okay if you don't."

"Not forever," Izzie said adamantly. "The money I have now won't last me that long."

When Addison let herself in the same back gate Meredith had just entered by and crossed the backyard towards them, neither Izzie nor Meredith really reacted.

"Hey," Addison said quietly, looking both of them in the eye. When neither of them showed any negative reaction, she slowly lowered herself into the remaining chair.

"Hi," Izzie said.

"I'm sorry for being such a…bitch," Addison said. "Of all of us, I had the least excuse. You didn't deserve that."

"Maybe in a way we sort of did," Meredith offered.

"No."

Izzie went into her house and came out with two more glasses of lemonade, which she set down in front of her friends. After they had sipped at their drinks for several minutes in silence, she quietly said, "We aren't ever going to be what we were, are we?"

"I doubt it," Meredith answered. "There's a huge hole where the rest of our lives used to be."

"It's sort of like waking up one morning and realizing that you have everything, only to turn around for one second, blink, and realize that you suddenly have nothing at all and are back to where you started from," Addison whispered. "It only took one second." She reached out and took one of Izzie's hands in her right, and one of Meredith's hands in her left as Izzie swiped at a tear trailing down her cheek.

"If I wouldn't have blinked, if I wouldn't have turned away…if I would have been a better mother, been there for Doug, been holding his hand…"

"The past is passed, Iz. I wish we could go back, but we can't. We can only go forward." Addison gave Izzie's hand a quick squeeze.

Setting down her glass, Meredith joined hands with Izzie, "But…it doesn't mean we can't still be friends, it's just…a different thing now. Am I right?"

"We will always be there for each other," Addison affirmed.

"I can't help but feel if I would have been stronger, if I would have raised him better…" Izzie cried. "I…"

"Shush," Addison said. "We can't go back, we can't change the past. But we can be there for each other now, and that's what counts."

They settled back into their chairs, watching as the sun slowly went down on the horizon, and waited for the sunset to usher in the next stage of their lives.


End file.
